With Friends Like These...

« June 2005 »

Memo to Joe Biden and John Edwards: SHUT YER WUSSHOLES.

They stood up to John Bolton, sort of, even though he's gonna get in anyway. They stood up to the nuclear option, sort of, only the threat's still hanging over their well-groomed heads. John Kerry swears he's going to make a fuss about the Downing Street Memo any fucking day now. Really.

It's starting to feel, in many ways, like the left testicle of the Democratic Party has at long last begun to peek ever so tentatively into the party's collective donkeyscrote. But gumption is a dangerous thing, and friendly fire's not just something you hide from Pat Tillman's parents.

Over the weekend, Joe Biden and John Edwards went after 'outrageous' statements made by a politician. Was it, perhaps, the president talking about the meaning of "disassemble"? Maybe the claims flying around that Deep Throat is responsable for Cambodian genocide, because Felt took down Richard Nixon*? Bah. Why shoot the enemy when you can frag your captain? It's a much easier shot. His back's right there, in front of you. Big as the broad side of a barn. A political target so ripe even a Democrat could nail it. Biden and Edwards went after Howard Dean.

Why did they go after Howard Dean? Because Howard Dean was doing his fucking job. Howard Dean's job, when he's not "organizing the grassroots" or raising vast quantites of money, is to talk shit about the opposition. So Dean talked some shit. Up before a friendly crowd, talking about the long lines that made it an amazing hardship for working Americans to vote last November, Dean threw out: "Republicans, I guess, can do that because a lot of them have never made an honest living in their lives."

Is it fair? No. Is it nuanced? No. Is it insulting? Yes. Is it frequently true? Fuck yes. Multiply that equation by 30 years and you see why the left is in the position it's in. Because it's exactly the tactic Republicans have been using. Dean appears to know this. Dean has also learned the other lesson - don't back down. The whole point of these type of attacks is that they have to hit, they have to sting, and they have to stick in people's minds, but they can't be TOO mean. Because the people you're slamming are going to object. And if you don't back down, they have to KEEP objecting. And if they keep objecting over a minor slam, they look like whining pussies.

So imagine how thrilled I am that the whining pussies objecting the loudest to Dean's slams are Biden, the perennial presidential bridesmaid who's so entrenched his ass is part of the Earth's mantle, and Edwards, who lost to John Kerry before losing to Dick Cheney. I'll let Edwards off easy. When he called Dean "a voice. I don't agree with it.?, he was probably just acting reflexively. It's been less than a year, after all. The pain of the shocks he got every time his collar detected an opinion is still fresh in his mind.

But Joe Biden needs to understand something. At the end of the day, nothing Dean says, short of perhaps accusing Bush and Cheney of having a hot three-way with Richard Nixon's rotting corpse*, could possibly damage the party as much as what Biden said about Dean. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He doesn't speak for me with that kind of rhetoric and I don't think he speaks for the majority of Democrats."

The problem here is two-fold. First, he's the HEAD OF THE FUCKING DNC. The instant he took the post, he began speaking for the majority of Democrats. If Joe Biden doesn's like that, then Joe Biden should have utilized his vast storehouse of awesome political clout and made sure someone else got the job. But instead, since Dean's the only one of you with a functioning pair of balls, the first chance you get, you try chopping them off. Lovely.

And second, if Dean's not speaking for the majority of Democrats, it's not Dean who needs to change. It's the guys who can't get voted out of a wet paper bag that need to get on the fucking boat. Where the fuck has Joe Biden led the Democratic Party? Up its own quivering bunghole, that's where. Dean shows up with a flashlight and a sign pointing to the exit, and Biden wants to stick around because it's warm and comfy up there. Idiots.

*There's some serious fucking historical revisionism right there, by the way. Richard Nixon, the one man standing between the Cambodian people and mass murder, and those leftist bastards Woodward and Bernstein took him out. Genius.

**Literally, that is. As the past week has shown, the GOP can get away with a public Nixon orgy as long as they keep it strictly on the metaphorical level.