Yes, It's These Bastards Again

« May 2005 »

Let's see. December, January, February, March, April... five months. That's enough time, enough space, I think, to allow me to say the following.

Fucking creationists. Fucking so-called "intelligent" fucking design fucking so-called "advocates". Fucking Kansas AGAIN. And most of all, the fucking fuckety fucks who make it all possible, the GENERAL PUBLIC, who cannot tell the difference between SOUNDS reasonable and IS reasonable.

That, in case you were wondering, is why they get any traction. And why they get more traction now than anytime in recent memory. It is, once again, an indictment of modern media journalism - both sides get two paragraphs. Or, on television, both sides get five minutes. And each time, it's the SAME two paragraphs and the SAME five minutes, because for some reason, the freakish nihilism of the news cycle demands that every single discussion of a topic starts from square one. Facts established and re-established over the centuries? Our viewers don't know about those, so we'll pretend they don't exist.

Let me back up. I'm getting ahead of myself. Kansas. Where the state Board of Education is once again wrestling with its science curriculum. They are wrestling with it in much the same way a pastry chef "wrestles" with his apple pie recipe when a bunch of people storm into his shop and demand that, despite decades of succssful apple pies, that what his recipe really needs is three pounds of slightly rotten beef tripe.

It's a pity people can't taste evolution. I mean, they can taste the products of it, sure. They can drive through and pick up a nine-pack of Used To Be A Dinosaur McNuggets. But they can't actually taste evolution and innately understand that a pile of rotting animal intestines is not a good addition, even when it's all wrapped up and placed in a box with a fancy logo saying "New And Improved Apple Pie Filling - Not Rotting Intestines At All, Really" printed on it. But they can't. They can't even open the box and catch a whiff. All they see are the glamorous ads showing smiling children wolfing down their pie.

So anyway, the hearings kick off this week in Kansas, and the conniving fuckers from the Intelligent Design movement will be there, testifying by the dozens, eroding an ignorant public's already barely extant confidence in centuries of intellectual progress. And the way they do it is to have people like John Calvert say things to the press, and the press (in this case the Kansas City Star) dutifully reports that he said it, because that will not get them any angry letters so long as he did say it. Which he did. And what he said, in his very impressive sounding role of Managing Director of the very impressive and serious-sounding Intelligent Design Network, Inc., is this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What we are doing is taking religion out of science.

Just stare at that fucking sentence for a second. Marvel in its perfidy. Bask in its retardation. Take a long, slow soak in its pig lagoon of logic. Because if that's what they're actually doing at Intelligent Design Networks, Inc, I need to get me a fucking job there. Because there is no religion in science to be taken out. They must come in in the morning, look at Science, say "Well, that's my job done for today", and then it's eight straight hours of Bejeweled and man-on-fish Internet pornography. Sign me up to manage some of that direction.

There is no religion in science. And I don't mean in a "no rat feces in a hot dog", or "no cannibalism in the British Navy", or "no corporate money in Tom DeLay's PAC" kind of way. Where there's not supposed to be any but we all know there's a little bit. There's no religion in science because once you get even a little drop of "faith" into it, it stops being science. That's just the nature of the beast. They're antithetical. Which is why they've been in opposition over the centuries.

There are religious scientists, of course. Religion and science can co-exist peacefully, but only as long as they respect each other's borders and stick to what they're there for. Science explains stuff, religion makes people feel better*. But religion can't seem to stay on its side of the fence, can it? Really, what Intelligent Design amounts to is agents sneaking across the border, knocking out a couple of scientists, putting on their lab coats, then standing up and saying "We're scienists too! Look at us! Over here! Um, that thing we don't understand that must be the work of some immensely powerful and knowledgeable and conveniently unprovable "designer" whose only son died for our... er, scratch that last bit. Designer!"

You know, Stephen Hawking doesn't beat up the Pope, put his hat on, wheel himself out to the Vatican balcony and give a speech on the curvature of space-time. But at this point, I'd take up the collection to pay his bail if he did.

* And, assuming you've bet on the right horse, gets you the good afterlife instead of the shitty or non-existent one. But mostly it makes you feel better.