Not The Last Star Wars Column

« April 2005 »


Time for your Star Wars news roundup today, because, well, the main news is still Pope-centric. I think it's cute the way they're treating the Pope like he's the world's new baby. "The little woogums gave his first Mass today!" "Ratzi gave the most adorable little statement against Spain's gay marriage law. You should have heard it!" "Bennie got installed this weekend. You want to see the pictures?"

So let's turn away from the controversial leader of a global cult, and see what George Lucas is up to.

Episode III opens in three weeks, and all you fuckers whose only excuse for going to see it is that you "have to see how it ends" will have to find yourselves a new crutch. Because Episode III won't be how it ends.

The event was Star Wars Celebration III, a fan convention in Chicago which drew thousands of Star Wars fans, many of whom traveled from wrong theaters all over the country to hear George Lucas, the Great Bird-Flipper of the Galaxy, the man who came up with the name Count Dooku, the re-creative force behind the Star Wars saga, speak to the adoring throngs who wanted to touch his lightsaber.

And the news he brought was that, despite its desperate pleas to be shot in the head and put out of its misery, the Star Wars saga would not end on May 18 with the release of "Revenge of the Sith". No, the saga will continue, with not one, but TWO TV series set in the Star Wars universe. Are you as excited as I am? Then wake up, I'm trying to make comedy here.

Upon hearing the news, the assembled Star Wars fans rushed home to line up around their microwave ovens and wait for the shows to start. I hope all of you find that as funny as I do, because the odds of me successfully navigating through the rest of the column without making another "Nerds Line Up At Wrong Theater" joke are approximately 3,720 to 1.

Apparently, one of the series will be a CGI cartoon. Reports are conflicting - either it's set during the Clone Wars, which would be redundant, or it's a cartoon because "Clone Wars" was a success, in which case... it would be redundant. Me, I've got my hopes pinned on "Jar-Jar The Jet Plane", in which everyone's favorite racist stereotype flies around teaching Christian life lessons to Toydarians* and tripping over Battle Droids.

But the real prize, the real flaming paper bag left by a giggling Lucas on the fanbase's collective front doorstep, will be the LIVE-ACTION TV DRAMA. Yes, live-action Star Wars will be returning to television for the first time since that Mark Hamill episode of The Muppet Show. It'll be just like Star Wars, only without the lavish action and fancy special effects. Be still, my beating erection.

Obviously, since the money won't be there to pull off the fancy stuff, the series will have to focus on the writing and character development. Which is why it was exciting to learn that LUCAS HIMSELF would write the pilot. The series will be set between Episodes 3 and 4, and feature a bunch of nobody side characters that will probably include a wide-eyed innocent, a roguish scoundrel with a good heart who never shoots first, a sharp-tongued woman, and at least one droid or alien with a propensity for getting electrical shocks in the ass. Presumably, once the pilot is done, Lucas can turn the rest of the series over to capable hands like Kevin J. Anderson, and television will be saved forever.

I can only assume the fan base will eat it up regardless, as these are people who, in between their architectural misidentification escapades**, have taken the time to start, a website where fans can leave heartfelt messages of thanks for George Lucas. Apparently, the first person to do so was Mark Hamill. Hamill was also the LAST person with a legitimate debt of gratitude to Lucas to ever post to the site.

Hello? Did I miss something? We've been thanking George Lucas to the tune of billions of our hard-earned dollars since May of 1977. Every time you plunk down for the DVD's, you thank George Lucas. Every time one puts together one's LEGO TIE Interceptor, one thanks George Lucas. George has been fucking well thanked by now. If anything, HE should be thanking YOU, because if it weren't for Star Wars, he'd be "the guy that did American Graffiti, Radioland Murders, and probably a few episodes of "Cagney & Lacey". The only Ranch he'd have would be on his fucking salad. But go ahead, thank George. I'm sure your gratitude is a balm for his tender skin, chafed and raw from millions of papercuts he got dry-humping his huge piles of cash.

*However bad you feel getting this joke, I feel ten times worse for having been able to write it.

**Never tell me the odds.