Strange Bedfellows

« April 2005 »

Memo to liberal Catholics and wrestling fans: YOU ARE SUCKERS.

To the Catholics, I must ask. How does it feel, seeing how all those years of "changing the church from the inside" turned out? Pope Benedict XVI, maiden name John Ratzinger, head of the Inquisition, the hardest of the hard-line, the St. Louisest of the arch-conservatives. The new Pope stepped out on the Vatican balcony yesterday, saw his shadow, and you know what that means. Six more years without birth control.

And, as much as I'd love to tout my own brilliance from April 4, when I said "But if you're still wondering who they'll pick, allow me to spoil it for you. It'll be some European cardinal with conservative views who doesn't have any embarassing statements on the record anywhere. There'll be a couple of Western Hemisphere, non-white guys talked about the same way we talked about Colin Powell as president. You know, as cover. You have to interview everyone for the job so you look modern and stuff.", this really was a fucking no-brainer. Like the Log Cabin Republicans, or Tina Turner, you can hope they'll change all you want, but at some point, you gotta stop lettin' them come back.

Still, you have to admire, to a certain extent, the courage and bravery of the other candidates. I mean, they were the closest thing to a Rainbow Coalition the church could muster, but in the end, when push came to shove, they were just stained glass window dressing. I'm sure, at least, that they knew their chances going in. Unlike the breathless media analysts who've spent the last two weeks speculating on whether the Roman Catholic Church would break with tradition.<?p>

This gives me a new goal in life. To become famous enough that, when I die, someone on CNN or its future equivalent will speculate that the conclave chosen to replace me as the head of You Are Dumb Dot Net might pick someone who hates swearing to replace me. Roman Catholics, breaking with tradition? They're the most fetishistic sect on the planet. They love tradition more than altar boys.

So I guess it's time for that other Catholic tradition, waiting for THIS old guy to die in the hopes things will improve. Good luck with that.

And speaking of old, useless assholes who get way more attention than they deserve and are cheered by throngs of people who can't let go of tradition, why the FUCK is Hulk Hogan on my television again? Wrestling? Did I miss red and yellow smoke rising from a chimney in Florida?

Yes, Terry Bollea. Thunderlips. Mr. Nanny. The Hulkster. Back again, At age 52. Now, I know pro wrestlers have a difficult time with the whole "retirement" thing, and I should try not to begrudge ol' Hulk one more moment in the sun, but you know, I had to try not to begrudge him one last moment in the sun two fucking years ago, and he overstayed his welcome then. You'd need an attention span even more attenuated than mine to consider this a long-awaited comeback, that's for sure.

Now, many of you are not that aware of pro wrestling, and thus, you need an analogy to help you understand my ire. So let's take Michael Jordan. Let's assume that, 11 years from now, Michael Jordan decides to play basketball again. But he's let himself go, and can't really run, and can't really jump, and can't really shoot. But everyone on the other team lets him have a free path to the basket every time he has the ball. And every time he comes onto the court, the game stops dead for fifteen minutes while everyone in the arena cheers him and he strikes a half-assed version of that classic "Air Jordan" pose. That's what it's like every single fucking time Hogan returns.

Plus, I gotta look at him. He looks like someone managed to crossbreed Jack Palance and a tangerine, then shot the tangerine full of bovine growth hormone, and then somehow put a tank top on the result. The man is capable of four physical actions, and two of them are POINTING. Babe Ruth didn't get cheered that much for pointing. But that's the wrestling audience for you.

And to make matters worse, Hogan's coming back to fight Mohammed Hassan, a character who makes Eugene the Wrestling Retard seem like a much better idea in retrospect. Hassan, contrary to what you might think, is actually an Arab-American. From Detroit. Who, as a result of being treated badly by Americans who assume he's evil, has turned evil. The only thing dumber than that is when he wrestles a Canadian good guy, and the fans show their support for the Canadian white good guy by chanting "USA! USA! USA!" at the swarthy guy from Michigan.

Fucking geniuses, the lot of you.