Stupid People Never Have Days Of Silence

« April 2005 »

Memo to clueless pricks: YOU ARE CLUELESS PRICKS.

Pardon the truism, but because clueless pricks are clueless, they fail to recognize their own prickery, and because they're pricks, they fail to recognize their own cluelessness. So I have to point it out, very slowly, in the hopes of causing the faintest spark of enlightenment to shine, ever so briefly, in the dark recesses of the clueless prick minds.

The textbook example of clueless prickitude is occurring as you read this*, and it's related to the National Day of Silence. On April 13, in schools across the country, students who want to show their opposition to discrimination against and harassment of homosexuals, take a day-long vow of silence. About 200,000 students participate in any given year, although that number may include the emo kids in the back who are too busy scribbling poetry in notebooks to say much anyway.

Enter the Christian Right, who, more than ever, seem incapable of letting the word "gay" be mentioned anywhere without a task force showing up. The Our Morals Are Your Morals contingent decided to counter the "Day of Silence" yesterday, meant to attract attention TO the harassment of homosexuals, with the "Day of Truth" today, meant to attract attention BY the harassment of homosexuals. That's why they're pricks. Their utter failure to notice the inherent irony of their prick behavior is what makes them clueless.

Behind this are the usual array of assholes - the Alliance Defense Fund, the Southern Baptists, and of course Focus on the Family, whose leader just compared "black-robed" justices to "white-robed" Klansmen. Yes, these are the level-headed, rational people I want to turn to for the "truth".

And how is this truth expressed? In an adverb that will shock nobody, ANNOYINGLY. First, they'll be wearing T-shirts. On the front of the T-shits is "The Truth Cannot Be Silenced", which, after four and a half years of the Bush administration, is pretty funny, whether they realize it or not. In other locales where even that minimal level of subtlety is apparently beyond their means, the clothing will say "NO GAY" on the front, "Homosexuality Is A Sin" on the back, and the same half-dozen Bible quotes these pricks always pull out to justify their behavior.

"NO GAY". You would think, if you're going to be hateful, you could at least use correct English. "NOT GAY" for the closeted guys on the football team, or "NO GAYS" for the passively genocidal homophobes. "NO GAY" sounds like a Margaret Cho punchline on Earth-2**. It's like being text messaged by Fred Phelps.

The pricks will also be handing out cards describing the evils of the homosexual lifestyle choice. So we can add "littering" to their list of crimes against reason and sanity. The least they could have done is thrown some stats on there so the cards could be used in Duel Masters. Unless collectible card games are considered Satan's Pocky by this crowd. It's tough to keep up with which modern-day entertainment inventions are actually perversions of Jesus' plan for us all. Mainly because people like Tim Bueler are designated to explain it to me. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Today?s sex-education curriculum, which used to instruct about the normal, heterosexual family, has been twisted to promote and celebrate homosexuality. Innocent first-graders are taught that to have homosexual parents is a normal arrangement. Gay-straight alliances are receiving school resources and funding in high schools, and the ?Day of Silence? has become a key tool of the activist, homosexual movement for promoting its radical agenda. We decided it is high time for us to take a stand for Truth, even if that makes us unpopular with the secular humanists who run our schools and infest our legislatures.? - Tim "Anyone" Bueler, president of the High School Conservative Clubs of America.

Unfortunately, after giving that quote, the offices of the HSCCA were evacuated and locked down by the EPA, who arrived in full hazmat gear to begin the cleanup of the most severe buzzword spill in 20 years. The building has been designated as a linguistic Superfund site, but officials say it will take years of work by English professors to undo the environmental damage.

Bueler didn't just drink the Konservative Khrist Kool-Aid, he arranged for a transfusion. Secular humanists are infesting our legislatures? If someone sends me the real estate listings for his fucking fantasy world, I'll start packing tomorrow. There are fewer secular humanists in America's legislatures than there are functioning brain cells in Beuler's deranged skull. You wanna see a sick, unhealthy relationship, buddy? Take a look at the one between you and reality. Then see if you can oppose THAT with a T-shirt.

*Technically, was reported to be planned to be occurring, which is an inherent grammatical paradox caused by writing about events before they are set to occur, for publication AS they are set to occur. I only make this LOOK effortless.

*Nerd Equivalency Requirements allow you to substitute "Mirror Universe" in this joke as necessary.