Hooray For The Culture Of Life

« April 2005 »

Oh, blessed day, that we hath longed for lo these many years, thou hast arrived, and THOU ART DUMB.

Yes, a child has come to the Dull, Slutty One, and despite weeks of denials, we now all know the truth. Britney Spears is pregnant. Now, this news is of vital importance to even the most jaded YAD reader, as the next N months, as Britney swells and spews, will be the kind of entertainment news hell that will make the unprepared person whimper. As a public service, then, we present the Britney Spawns Planner. However, because Britney's due date is unknown, as is the gestation period of her species, we will be separating the planner into "stages", which, when a due date is announced, you can apply proportionally and adapt to the calendar, software, or leather-bound planner as necessary.

STAGE ONE: Breathless Anticipation (10%): This is the stage that kicked off with the announcement. This is where the majority of awful late-night talk show jokes will occur, so YAD recommends avoiding all opening monologues during this time. If you must watch late-night topical comedy, stick to The Daily Show, as even Conan's jokes are likely to cause mild bruising and tingling in the extremities.

During Stage One, you may want to purchase a set of head-mounted blinders for when you are forced to purchase goods from public retail establishments, as the covers of all register-placed magazines will be unbearable for at least three weeks. Do not, under any circumstances, touch an issue of People. If you own a cable box that does not provide programming information, be aware that at any moment you could be exposed to Access Hollywood, and take appropriate precautions.

STAGE TWO: The Waiting (40%): The name of the game in Stage Two is "waist size" and "maternity fashion". Media coverage of Stage Two will consist almost entirely of photography and video. However, be aware that, on the off chance Britney is pregnant with twins, it will become apparent during Stage Two, and you should have contingency plans in effect. Train your eyes to clamp shut the instant they alight upon the word "OOPS" in either print or Internet headlines. Practice scrolling/changing web pages or shifting print media while blind.

Other than twins, or some form of unpredictable medical crisis, Stage Two should be the safest, so rest, eat well, and prepare yourself for the weeks that will follow as best you can.

STAGE THREE: Career Speculation (30%): Once Britney reaches the point where she's physically impaired, Stage Three will begin, primarily in the print media. Stories will speculate on how a young, hip pop star like Britney will juggle career and motherhood, in much the same way that I've wondered how she's managed to juggle breathing and swallowing up to this point. At minimum, by this point, you should not give a shit. Regular readers of this space should have the mental fortitude to not give TWO shits during Stage Three, and advanced apathy masters can fail to give anywhere between three and five shits.

After all, we all know how Britney will handle motherhood and a career. POORLY. The only person that'll end up happy out of all this is Drew Barrymore. Because if Britney has a daughter, that daughter has a very good chance of replacing Barrymore as the poster girl for Fucked Up Famous Childhoods.

STAGE FOUR: The Birth (10%): When will she give birth? Has she given birth? Is it a boy? Is it a girl? What do they want to name it? What will they end up naming it? What jokes can we make about the crazy Hollywood name she gave it? Will the baby be a Spears? A Federline? A Timberlake? A Powell? Coverage will once again reach Stage One levels, so all the same precautions should be in effect. Note that if the birth occurs at any point during the filming of Britney's reality TV series, on the day the birth show airs, we will all die. So make your peace with your loved ones, and make sure you've finished Half-Life 2 beforehand.

STAGE FIVE: Our Collective, National, Post-Partum Depression(10%+): After Britney Spears has her child, you may experience feelings of despair, hopelessness, the fervent desire that the baby had never been born, and possibly even the urge for infanticide. These feelings are normal and to be expected, and will pass with time as we all become numb to the reality of it all, or the stupid bitch gets herself knocked up again, at which point it's BACK TO STAGE ONE.

We at You Are Dumb Dot Net hope this planner will ensure that you make it past the birth of little Aurora Borealis Jane Asparagus Spears-Federline-Timberlake with only mild functional impairment and the occasional facial tick. We're all in this together.