Only Two Dice For Defense

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Memo to David Horowitz: YOU ARE DUMB.

If you really want to understand the way the left and the right in this country view politics, you have no farther to look than the stack of board games gathering dust in your closet. On the left, politics is like Chutes and Ladders. You roll the dice, you take your chances. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but you just keep doing what you're doing and hope you get to the top before the other guy.

The right views politics as a huge game of Risk, and the game isn't over until they've got troops EVERYWHERE and the other player is wiped from the face fo the board. Why else would David Horowitz, and his state-level cohort clones, be going after colleges?

Colleges are the Irkutsk of politics. Nobody really wants them, but the left tends to end up with them by default. They don't have vast strategic importance, and the only reason Horowitz and his cronies are gunning for them now is that they've taken everything else over except Berkeley and Hollywood. They want anything we have solely because we have it, and because they don't think they've won until they've got all our stuff.

The way they're going after the colleges is with the "Academic Bill of Rights", a creation of Horowitz' that's being proposed in a number of states, including Florida and Minnesota, by whichever local right-wing asskissers happen to be available. Here, it's our very own Michele "Ann Coulter Without The Charm" Bachmann, state senatrix who also makes sure to shove through anti-gay marriage amendments at every opportunity to appease her overlords.

The idea behind the Academic Bill of Rights is this - America's colleges are overrun with leftist professors, who are engaged in a collusive conspiracy to indoctrinate the millions of tabula rasa freshmen that pass through, creating a population chock-full of liberals who only believe in the left's position because they've been taught things. College is therefore neither fair, nor balanced, and in cases of ideological inequity, the only possible remedy is the government stepping in to control the speech of college professors.

Conservatives claim to be shocked, SHOCKED, at studies that show many college professors are liberals, or even Democrats. After all, what could there be about a job where you generally take less money in order to pass on your expertise to future generations that attracts liberals? You can't spell "turning our malleable youth into hippie zombies" without "tenure", after all.

The bill itself is the usual murky, vague generalities that can be interpreted in a palatable way until it passes, then however the hell people feel like it once it's signed into law. Never believe any politician who, in response to a hypothetical abuse, says "that's not the intent of this law". They swore up and down that the gay marriage amendments wouldn't stop companies from offering domestic partnership benefits, and in Michigan, guess who the state Attorney General is going after? Not the intent my ass.

Also never trust extremists like Horowitz who claim their plan will curb extremism on their own side. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME! "We have plenty of arenas in our society for people to conduct political agitation, whether from the left or from the right. The classroom should be about teaching." - Which is fine if we're talking kindergarten, but this is supposedly "higher education" we're talking about.

In Florida, Horowitz & Company justified the law by citing a dozen responses to an e-mail sent to College Republicans asking if they'd "experienced discrimination". These unidentified students claimed they were told by unidentified professors to drop unidentified classes after "challenging professors' views" in entirely unidentified ways. So, you know, it could certainly have been a reasonable argument, or it could have been their uncontrollable urge to chant "Four More Years" during Psychology 101.

But let's assume that everything Horowitz claims is happening is true. This still leaves the critical, unanswered question of WHO GIVES A SHIT? Last time I checked, the liberally-indoctrinated collegiate masses are not exactly turning out in droves to drive this country farther to the left. We're fighting a losing battle against fundamentalist theocracy, and somehow, all our carefuly recruited and brainwashed reinforcements are defecting to Dubya right after they grab their diplomas. Horowitz needs to realize that if it's broke, he doesn't need to ruin it worse.

And frankly, fuck the College Republicans. If you show up at college, at 18, and your political beliefs are so set in stone that you want to join a club devoted to them, you're already the product of indoctrination. If they're so fucking fragile that they can't deal with a few Prius-driving English professors, then they need to suck it up.

Because at the end of the day, if you need to run to Big Government, hiding behind legislative handouts and crying that the big meanies are hurting you with their liberal hate speech, then you're a CRAP-ASS REPUBLICAN. So go back to your dorm room, check the pair of Abercrombie pants you wore out to Hooters last night, and see if you left your "personal responsibility", your "bootstraps", and your fucking balls in the pockets. We're keeping Irkutsk.