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A You Are Dumb Dot Net Special Report

Lucky, The Satanic Turtle vs. Tom Delay

Lucky, The Satanic Turtle was the lone survivor of a fire in a pet store in the geographically confused city of Michigantown, Indiana. According to store owner Bryan Dora, the fire left markings on Lucky's back that resemble Satan.

Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, longtime Texas congressman, House Majority Leader, and the guy to go to when you want a quote about an issue that will make you vomit into the nearest gutter.

LUCKY:DELAY:
ReptileRepublican
Stupid, superstitious hicks believe in his provenance.Stupid, superstitious hicks believe in his competence. And innocence..
Despite what many people think, not slimy.Despite what many people think, really fucking slimy.
Name includes partial synonym for "fuck".Name includes synonym for "fuck"
Although he can't be legally sold on eBay, he is available to the highest bidder.Although he can't be legally sold on eBay, he is available to the highest bidder.
Doesn't give a shit about Terri Schiavo.Doesn't give a shit about Terri Schiavo.
Feeds on vegetation, insects, and small fish.Feeds on illegal contributions, raw power, the misery of others, and the occasional side salad.
Can stay alive for over 40 years, which is a long time for a tiny creature.Has stayed alive, politically, for over 25 years, which is a long time for an asshole.
Hid in his shell for hours while the fire raged, but appears to have emerged unharmed.Hid behind shell corporations while the fires of an investigation into improper contributions raged, but so far, has emerged unharmed.
Believed by many to bear the mark of Satan.Believed by many to actually be Satan.