Compare And Contrast
25 March, 2005 - 08:44 — Bryan Lambert
A You Are Dumb Dot Net Special Report
Lucky, The Satanic Turtle vs. Tom Delay
Lucky, The Satanic Turtle was the lone survivor of a fire in a pet store in the geographically confused city of Michigantown, Indiana. According to store owner Bryan Dora, the fire left markings on Lucky's back that resemble Satan. |
Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, longtime Texas congressman, House Majority Leader, and the guy to go to when you want a quote about an issue that will make you vomit into the nearest gutter. |
| LUCKY: | DELAY: |
| Reptile | Republican |
| Stupid, superstitious hicks believe in his provenance. | Stupid, superstitious hicks believe in his competence. And innocence.. |
| Despite what many people think, not slimy. | Despite what many people think, really fucking slimy. |
| Name includes partial synonym for "fuck". | Name includes synonym for "fuck" |
| Although he can't be legally sold on eBay, he is available to the highest bidder. | Although he can't be legally sold on eBay, he is available to the highest bidder. |
| Doesn't give a shit about Terri Schiavo. | Doesn't give a shit about Terri Schiavo. |
| Feeds on vegetation, insects, and small fish. | Feeds on illegal contributions, raw power, the misery of others, and the occasional side salad. |
| Can stay alive for over 40 years, which is a long time for a tiny creature. | Has stayed alive, politically, for over 25 years, which is a long time for an asshole. |
| Hid in his shell for hours while the fire raged, but appears to have emerged unharmed. | Hid behind shell corporations while the fires of an investigation into improper contributions raged, but so far, has emerged unharmed. |
| Believed by many to bear the mark of Satan. | Believed by many to actually be Satan. |
