Leave Them Alone, They're Natural Family Men

« March 2005 »

Memo to the Natural Family Manifesto folks: ANOTHER DAY OF DUMB.

Yesterday, as you recall, we began discussing the "Natural Family Manifesto", a vile little document produced by, well, a bunch of fundie assholes. Their goal? To define a warped, twisted, repressive version of "family" that can be used to leverage fundamentalist principles into federal law. One can hope they won't get all they're asking for, but merely by asking, they push the boundary of what's acceptable debate in these issues farther to the extreme.

And what is it, exactly, that they want? What it boils down to, in essence, is the man working, the woman breeding. No gays. No single parents. No extramarital sex. No birth control. SQUEEZE THEM OUT, one after the another, ladies, because that's what God made you for. Now, you may disagree with this, but allow me to present some choice quotes from the Manifesto that should quell your rebellious, "post-family" (what they call the forces arrayed against them) heart:

"While we acknowledge varied living situations caused by circumstance or dysfunction, all other "family forms" are incomplete, or are fabrications of the state." You hear that? Anyone who isn't following their agenda to the letter is dysfunctional and incomplete. Shacking up? They're coming for you. Wearing a jimmy-hat? They're coming for you. They need to fix you. To make you complete. It's Stepford without the beauty, Body Snatchers without the lovely green hue.

They are, of course, rabid embryo-fetishists. They also believe that overpopulation is a myth, that the world is chock full of resources to feed all the white, Christian children we can make, and they're HUGE biological determinists. Got a uterus? Then you know what your role is. Got a tiny, tiny penis? Then make some money and remember to impregnate once every ten months or so.

They're not big fans of divorce, which oughta have the folks at Hannidate locking their doors and loading their legal assault weapons. "It is not enough to stop public recognition of'gay marriage', nor to oppose 'safe sex education' in the public schools, nor to ban partial birth abortion, nor to create optional 'covenant' marriages." See? These are the ones you need to worry about. The ones who think the Huckabees took BABY STEPS.

But the single most odious, most vile, most insidious proposal, and the center of the Natural Family Manifesto, is the "family wage". For the past few centuries, one of the great crimes of our society is that businesses got away, and continue to get away with, paying minorities, women, or both a lower wage for the same work. Even now, in the year 2005, if I'm being uncharacteristically generous about progress since the last studies I heard about, women are making about 80% of what men make, on average, for the same work. But apparently, even that minimal progress has been the problem. And not only do these people want to wipe out that progress, they want to expand the inequality.

The core of the "family wage" idea, and I give you this straight from them, is to replace equal pay for equal work with a new concept: "Equal pay for equal family responsibility. Compensation for work and taxation should reinforce natural family bonds."

In other words, a married man would make more than a single man. He would get extra money so that his wife could afford to stay home and baby-farm. And for each kid he sired with his mighty manseed, well, he'd make MORE money. And pay LESS in taxes. Your salary won't be determined by what you do, or how well you do it, it'll hinge on how closely you hew to the Natural Family principle.

So if you're gay, and you're not willing to marry a woman and breed with her, forsaking your genetic attraction for a life of misery, prepare for second-class citizenship on a scale that makes anti-gay marriage amendments look like the fucking bush leagues. Don't want kids? Only want two kids? Infertile? Tough. The planet needs more fundamentalists, so I hope you enjoy your pay cut, you selfish, non-fruitful, non-multiplying types. It is a proposal for an unprecedented, all-out, economic assault that puts the lie to the "homosexual agenda".

If Team Selfish Hedonism had an "agenda" on the same scale as the Natural Family Manifesto, there'd be proposals for a special payroll tax. Money from this tax would then go into a fund that would pay $500 bounties to men for every cock they sucked. There'd be huge tax rebates and subsidies for double-ended dildos. But there's no proposal like that, because unlike Carlson and Mero (and despite the lies and projections of the far right), gays, atheists, the childless, and the cohabitators are not trying to force anyone to get divorced, give up God, abandon their children, or "switch hit".

But the authors of this Manifesto make no bones about wanting to remake the entire world so that everyone behaves THEIR way. Extreme? Yes. Unlikely to come to pass? Yes. But if, in the coming months and years, you start hearing your politicians use the phrase "natural family", THIS is what they mean, and THIS is what they want. And all you so-called "moderates" out there need to be paying attention, because what you do is vote for shit that sounds good on the surface, even though you don't actually agree with any of the details. And then we all get pay cuts so Bob and his eight children can have their "family wage".