Making Fart Noises With Your Native Tongue

« March 2005 »

Toby Keith is going to die someday.

I know it's difficult to think about. Tough to contemplate. That someday, the shining light that gave us "The Taliban Song", the bold visionary that boiled geopolitical reality down to rectal footwear, may no longer be with us. Sure, until that horrible day, we can blast "Shock'N Y'All" in our Ford Explorers with the flag ribbon on the back, but what then? Who will pick up the torch? Where will the next generation of inbred, superpatriotic yeehaw fucks come from?

I can see the fear in your eyes. But fear not. They're out there. In our schools. And they've already begun finding their voice. And their voice is the clarion call of RETARDOPATRIOTISM.

Like fifteen-year-old Patrick Linton. From Maryland. I feel sort of bad for Patrick. As we will all soon see, Patrick comes by his retardopatriotism in a way that is, to an extent, completely beyond his control. Like the kid in the pot commercial, he appears to have learned it by watching his father. It's not an excuse for what he pulled, but as the Supreme Court finally, and barely, learned recently, fifteen year old kids are not adults, and can't be treated quite as harshly as adults, even when they're idiots.

The way it appears to have gone down is this. On Monday, Linton The Younger wasn't in school. I don't know why, and rampant speculation on possibilities like "patrolling the Maryland border for illegal immigrants with his dad" or "going to a Toby Keith concert" would be utterly irresponsible on my part. So I won't do it. Anyway, Teen Linton shows up at class on Tuesday, and it's time for the Pledge of Allegiance to be recited over the school's PA system, and that's when something went horribly wrong. The Pledge was being read in a foreign language.

He did not know what the language was. This is important. The news story in the Baltimore Sun points this out with some subtlety by referring to the language as "French, as he later learned." In other words, a fifteen year old, ninth grade student could not recognize FRENCH when he heard it. This is not like hearing Portugese and maybe thinking it was Spanish. This was French. One Pepe Le Peu cartoon and you know what French sounds like!

Even assuming, as appears to be the case, that the Linton family is a bit light on the thinkin' genes, and they're the kind of big ol' America-lovers that we've been particularly sick of in the past couple of years, you'd think, given how much those types reflexively hate the French, that they would want to know how to spot one of them if one were to visit Maryland. They don't ALL wear the berets and the striped shirts, you know.

So anyway, Linton heard the Pledge recited in some foreign language, and since all foreign countries are America's sworn enemy, he felt this was wrong, and said so. And he's sitting out the rest of the week in protest. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I looked around, and I was like, 'What's going on?' We're at war right now, and our schools are supposed to be patriotic. This is America, and we got soldiers at war. When you're saying the Pledge in a different language which nobody understands, that's not OK." - Patrick, French is not a language thet NOBODY understands. There's no such thing as a language that nobody understands. That's the whole point of language. But Patrick can't learn that, because he's sitting out the whole week.

See, he has to sit out the whole week, because at Old Mill High School they're celebrating, and I love this, NATIONAL FOREIGN LANGUAGE WEEK. To raise awareness of foreign languages, which seems to be important as many of the students don't even know what they sound like, the Pledge is being recited in a different language each day. In addition to French (Or, in simulated Lintonian terms, "Terrorist"), there's Russian ("Communist"), Spanish ("Taco"), Latin ("Queer"), and German ("Um... Which Ones Were They?").

Patrick is, as I have mentioned, supported in his act of non-violent, non-thinking protest by his father. Charles Linton. After learning of the cause of his son's protest, Linton responded with an entirely accurate analogy that wasn't in the slightest bit ridiculous, over-the-top, or completely fucking insane. PɒIODE RɅLLE DE LA CITATION!

"It's like wearing a cross upside down in a church." - Charles Linton, who is apparently under the impression that translating something into another language is the same as INVERTING ITS MEANING. Which, if he has a King James Bible in his house, would thus make him a Satanist.

Also on Patrick's side is the executive director of English First, one Jim Boulet Jr. For the sake of avoiding utter hypocrisy, I have to assume that his name is pronounced "bow lett" and not "boo lay". Unfortunately, all that effort in avoiding hypocrisy was wasted Boulet opened his mouth and uttered the following:

"In this nation of immigrants, one of the symbols of our national unity is when we all gather around the flag and we salute it in English."

So fear not, America. Retardopatriotism is here to stay. All you need is a flag, a flagpole, and an asshole. I leave it as an exercise for the adept reader to decide how best to combine those three fundamental components.