« April 2018 »

Memo to Sean Hannity, Sean Hannity, and Fox News: LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST.

Things are moving very quickly these days. We’ve barely had time to process the fall of RNC Finance Chairman Elliott Broidy, a man whose last name is not misspelled despite always looking like it’s misspelled, before we had to deal with the fact that Michael Cohen’s only other client, besides Trump and Broidy (again, that’s how it’s fuckin’ spelled)

”My questions exclusively almost focused on real estate. I said many times on my radio show, ‘I hate the stock market, I prefer real estate.’ Michael knows real estate.” - Sean Hannity, who must know Michael Cohen better than everyone else in the universe.

It’s funny, but I’ve never really heard much about Michael Cohen’s real estate acumen. I’ve only heard tell of his other skills, like, say, arranging a payment of $1.6 million dollars between Elliott Broidy and a Playboy model. See, Elliott Broidy had sex with a Playboy model. Allegedly, I say allegedly both because allegedly, and because I’ve seen a picture of Elliott Broidy, and he looks like what you’d get if exactly the guy you expect fucked a honey-baked ham. He looks like a picture of Donald Trump got put through a “Krang From TMNT” filter on Instagram. He looks like definitive proof that the phrase “power is the ultimate aphrodisiac” was coined to provide cover for powerful men who coerce women into fucking them.

Oh, and get them pregnant. Allegedly. And had her get an abortion. Allegedly. Although seriously, one of the reasons we need to keep abortion legal and safe is so that Playboy models coerced into fucking Republican hypocrite hams aren’t forced to carry their ham-babies to term. Because clearly she’s suffered enough.

”Predictably, without knowing all or frankly any of facts, the media went absolutely insane.” - Sean Hannity, who can’t count.

The media knew one fact. Well, really, three. And yes, they went insane, because those three facts are some of the most bonkers-ass shit to come out of the Trump administration, which is saying something. First fact: Michael Cohen arranged a minimum of one hush money payment to a women or women who’ve fucked one of his three clients, Donald Trump, so that they wouldn’t tell anyone they fucked Donald Trump before the election.

Two, as I cannot mention enough, he arranged a $1.6 million payment to a Playboy model from his second client, a ham in the shape of a man who allegedly impregnated her and had her get an abortion. It’s weird that people don’t remember that as much as Republicans fight to restrict abortion for you, they’ll fight even harder to make sure it’s available to them so that they can raw-dog mistresses in a consequence-free environment, which is the only environment they’re capable of thriving in. And third, he did something for his third client, Sean Hannity. If you don’t go insane when you hear that, you haven’t been paying attention.

”While Fox News was unaware of Sean Hannity's informal relationship with Michael Cohen and was surprised by the announcement in court yesterday, we have reviewed the matter and spoken to Sean and he continues to have our full support, - Fox News, issuing a statement from downtown Stockholm Syndrome.

Of course Fox News is backing Hannity. Even if they don’t like it, they’re in the same position as House Republicans - they only reason any of them still have jobs or careers is the support of Pigfucker Nation, and Pigfucker Nation has been been trained to follow Sean Hannity and Donald Trump off of any high cliff they’re led to, screaming FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS all the way down until the inevitable splat. Which is how they can follow the Republicans even after repeated stories like paying Michael Cohen a $200,000 fee to arrange a $1.6 million dollar payment to the mistress you’ve allegedly impregnated in order to buy her silence.

Pigfucker Nation is terrified of socialism, but I’m all for it. Especially a version of socialism where, if you have nearly $2 million spare dollars to pay off a mistress and an attorney to cover up your affair and affair-fetus, then you don’t fucking get to have money anymore because you’re clearly not responsible enough to be trusted with it. Think of it as a more ethically sound version of your “drug test people on welfare” plan.

EDITORS NOTE: This column, ostensibly all about the admittedly hilarious ensnaring of Sean Hannity into the clusterfuck that is Donald Trump’s legal woes, somehow turned out to be all about a much more interesting story about an evil ham. We regret nothing.