The New Corduroy Pillows

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I'll admit it. I'm a shallow guy.

I try to fight my shallow nature here, of course. Gotta sound deep even when I'm making dick jokes or insanely nerdy Star Trek references. But sometimes, rather than the in-depth discussion of a serious issue I'm globally renowned for, I just want to sit back, relax, and take cheap shots at stupidity as expressed via the lost art of journalism: the headline.

So enjoy this high-speed comedy snapshot of the current state of things, and be glad that I'm not Jay Leno.

Hale's Parents Certain Son Wasn't Involved In Killings

No shit? Just once, just once, I'd love to see some guy (in this case, a jailed white supremacist suspected of ordering the execution of a judge's husband and mother) get nabbed for something and have his family say "Yeah, we never liked him. I didn't know he was a murderer, but it doesn't surprise me. He was always lynching the Salisbury steak as a child if I made the gravy too dark."

"Grand Theft Auto" Led Teen To Kill

No it fucking well didn't. Just because Microsoft Word provides you with a template and example to write your resume, that doesn't mean that Bill Gates is forcing you to quit your job.

Chuck E. Cheese patron hit with stun gun after loading up on salad.

Don't worry. The kids weren't traumatized. They were scared at first, but then the manager explained that Billy the Bindlestiff was an exciting new character in the Chuck E. Cheese Universe, that he was taking a nap after doing his Happy Screamy Dance, and they should just go and play some Skeeball while we mop the Italian dressing and urine off the floor.

Queen Dubs Bill Gates Honorary British Knight

After the ceremony, in which the Queen clicked on his left shoulder, then his right shoulder, Gates said the experience was so touching, so visceral, that he just locked up. I'm not saying this whole knighting thing is getting out of hand per se, but let's face it. Can you imagine Elton John and Bill Gates jousting? No, not like that, you pervs.

Millionaire Pilot Presses Ahead In Global Flight Despite Fuel Problems

I'm tired of the incredibly low death rate amongst these uber-rich, so-called "adventurers". Real adventurers don't have fleets of helicopters standing by to pull their faux-rugged asses out of the Pacific Ocean when something goes wrong. They should be dropping in numbers sufficient to either drastically reduce the number of billionaires attempting these "adventures", or at least just drastically reduce the number of billionaires period. THIN THE HERD.

ESRB Introduces E10+ Game Rating

This will be of immense value to parents who feel that the "Fairly Oddparents" games featured too much occult violence. These parents keep their children safely esconced in Nerf barrels. Meanwhile every other ten-year-old on the planet will be gleefully headshotting each other and swearing on XBox Live.

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen to Divorce

Who and who to what? I'd forgotten Denise Richards even existed, tried to forget Sheen even existed, and certainly didn't know or care that they were married in the first place.

Tsunami Baby 81 Melts Hearts

I have never felt as much disappointment betwixt headline and actual story as I did with this one. I mean, it sounds like the stress of being taken from family and DNA tested turned the baby into a psychotic killing machine that liquefies the organs of anyone who comes near it. Alas, that is not the case.