Dante Got Nothin' On Me

« March 2005 »

Today, we complete our descent into Hell, as realized on earth by a man I have decided to call, from this point forward...

If you're coming in late, yesterday we discovered the special joy that is Hannidate 2005, the place on Sean Hannity's website where insane, illiterate, middle-aged divorced right-wingers can "hook up" like the kids today do. Oh, and did I happen to mention that every last one of them is white? Did I even have to?

Let's take a look at some of the other "catches" you could find yourself trapped in an Applebees with if you followed through on your Hannidate, shall we?

"I cried when Reagan died...one of my favorite books is "I love you, Ronnie" - Ronald Reagan's love letters to Nancy Reagan. I want the kind of love that Nancy and Ronald Reagan had." - 36-year-old Krista, from Michigan. In other words, she'll read you your horoscope and feed you jelly beans while you call her "Mommy".

"I believe that there is nothing that can be said that Billy Joel hasn�t put in a song... Who am I looking for? Someone who�s �old-fashioned�: I am an incurable romantic. I want some who appreciates random acts of chivalry, unexpected flowers, and the sweet, electric awkwardness of a first goodnight kiss. Someone who�s adventurous: I enjoy getting off at a random subway stop..." - I think we'll just stop that sentence there because it's funnier that way. Is that entirely fair to Jay, a 26-year-old New Yorker? No, it is not. But he's a prick, apparently a lousy kisser, and that first sentence is completely inexcusable. I mean, it's one thing to believe in rolling back environmental regulations and raping the earth because, hey, God's gonna call us all home any day now. But that Billy Joel shit is beyond the pale.

"I'm the definition of a Southern Gent. I wear glasses, but they fit my face, so they don't look goofy. I hunt, fish and do a number of other outdoors activities. I'm a Criminal Justice major with aspirations of being, you may want to sit down, a lawyer. CRIMINAL PROSECUTION ONLY! I only want to do that after I decide that being a police officer is not for me. - Nick, from Texas, of unspecified age. So ladies, if you're looking for a big, husky lawyer-bashing Texan lawyer wannabe who looks like a redneck version of Milton from "Office Space", Nick's your guy.

But really, my favorites are the zealots. The converts. The people who really feel the need to drive home their right-wing bonafides in that incredibly subtle way they tend to use.

"Me: 33 year old business owner in the suburbs. High-octane personality and conversationalist who loves music, movies, poker and SPORTS! Another favorite pastime is dissecting Pravda,OOPS, The New York Times on a daily basis!" - You see what Eric (33, Texas) did there? He made you think he regularly read a Communist-era Soviet newspaper, when actually, he reads the New York Times, which is JUST LIKE a Communist newspaper! Man, after ten minutes in the warm glow of a high-octane personality like Eric's, I don't know WHAT I'd do.

"I am a gratefully recovering radical hippy/liberal. among other things I have been "Hannitized". I am more surprised than anyone, but I find I can no longer stomach the warm and fuzzy Liberal feminist Bush hating females. I can no longer imagine trying to have a relationship with a woman who is thourghly entrenched in the Liberal mindset...(dis-order). This change in me has come about during the course of the last 6 years... I have been single for over 7 years. I am a grateful member of a recovery group called alanon. - In other words, Bill from Indiana drank too much, his wife left him, he found AlAnon in his 50's, found God, then discovered a political philosophy that tends toward keeping women in their place. I, for one, am shocked.

" I am a 40 y/o divorced mail..." - That's all we need to know about Mark right there.

And finally, we have Kathy. Kathy is 41. From Pennsylvania. Kathy is a fucking piece of work. Kathy is such a fucking piece of work that she gets her whole ad quoted, because I cannot for the life of me figure out which part to leave out.

Most important about me? I'm a liberal feminist tree-hugging (READ ON!), freedom-loving, hippie-wanna-be (when i was young and stupid) TURNED conservative, (largely) anti-feminism, America/capitalism/freedom-loving, people-hugging, ADULT (something, I've learned, it's impossible to be as the former). So, because I actively searched for the truth (rather than just accepted a life lived solely on personal emotions), I now appreciate both sides of arguments - and know that conservatism is correct (they don't call us "right" for nothing, huh?). I'm a 41 year-old Christian. Never been married (NOT because I was never asked, mind you; just haven't found a man who's right for me yet). I'm a hard-working executive assistant who owns her own (modest but sweet) house in a suburb of Pittsburgh and is working on becoming a published author. I am very romantic and passionate, kind, considerate, thoughtful of others (I possess an intense sense of "walking in the other guy's shoes"), and I love long conversations about religion, politics, history, love, relationships, movies, music, the weather! I'm looking for an intelligent, kind, passionate and conservative man, maybe 37 to 49 or so, who knows and appreciates that men and women are different, have different roles in a relationship, and who understands how to respectfully treat a woman who treats him respectfully and lovingly. Fair enough?

Man, if she can afford a modest and sweet home on 70% of what a man would make doing her job, imagine how nice a home she could have if she hadn't abandoned feminism! Still, it's a good thing she let us know she was kind, compassionate, and capable of walking in the other guy's shoes. Otherwise, I might have mistaken her straight-from-the-Coulter-playbook contempt for the left as evidence that she was actually a horrible bitch-demon. Be careful what you wish for, Kathy, because when you get it, it's going to want to know why it's fucking dinner isn't on the table when it gets home.

Remember, folks. No matter how bad your life is, no matter how sad and pathetic you think you are in your lowest moments, remember. There's always Hannidate. Where they make sure you know how crazy they are before you even meet face to face.