The Dumbfuck Option

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Memo to someone, Jeff Sessions, and Donald Trump Jr.: YOUR CONSPIRACY SUCKS.

Talk is afoot of a scheme to use child molestation to get President Trump out from under the Russia investigation. I have a hard time believing this scheme-slash-conspiracy will take place, because it’s so fucking ham-handed and obvious that everyone’s talking about it before it can even get started, but nothing’s impossible anymore, so let’s look at it through the lens of three IDIOTS SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

Hi, this is Bernie Bernstein. I’m a reporter for the Washington Post calling to find out if anyone at this address is a female between the ages of 54 to 57 years old willing to make damaging remarks about candidate Roy Moore for a reward of between $5,000 and $7,000 dollars. We will not be fully investigating these claims, however we will make a written report. I can be reached by email at albernstein@washingtonpost.com. Thank you.” - An anonymous call that I want to say would only work in Alabama, but I know better. .

Step one is to get child molester Roy Moore elected. I’m saying “child molester” instead of “pedophile”, but only because one describes an action and the other a predilection. Anyone trying to correct people calling Roy Moore a pedophile on the grounds that there’s a difference between regional cultural norms around banging teenagers and pedophile are part of the goddamned problem, not “helping”.

Anyway, getting Roy Moore elected requires mobilizing horrible people into thinking Democrats are worse than child molesters, and stupid people willing to cling to any tiny shred of an idea to plant enough doubt in their minds that they can vote for Moore anyway. That’s who this insipid robocall is aimed at - it is, of course, a fake, trying to make people think the Washington Post is in the business of paying off people to throw charges at Republicans and not investigate them. And the best part? Every single pigfucker who falls for this also believes in American exceptionalism.

I am aware that there are groups that do have an extraordinary commitment to their racial identity and some have transformed themselves even into violent activists." - Attorney General Jeff Sessions, talking about black people.

Step two is to kick Senator Roy Moore out of the Senate for being a child molestor, and having him get replaced by super-racist Jeff Sessions. Normally, I would be all in favor of getting this hatemonger as far away from the Attorney General’s office as possible, on account of shit like this, showing that his Justice Department is investigating Black Lives Matter (because face it, we all know he means BLM) and letting neo-Nazis and the Klan slide.

Unfortunately, the one thing Donald Trump is a legit genius at is finding the worst possible person the job, and then, when they quit or are forced to resign in disgrace or removed from office as part of an elaborate scheme, somehow finding someone EVEN FUCKING WORSE THAN THAT to fill the position. And when it comes to John Sessions, “even fucking worse” carries with it a very specific implication.

”Off the record I don’t know who that is, but I’ll ask around.” - Donald Trump Jr., working with Wikileaks to find out who was behind an ant-Trump site claiming links between Trump and Putin.

The Russia investigation keeps getting bigger because, well, everyone being investigated is a complete fucking idiot who for some reason thinks that Wikileaks operates on an on-and-off the record basis, and, if they did, they’d respect that while also releasing the contents of the DNC’s hacked e-mails that weren’t on the record either.

But there’s a generally held belief that Sessions remaining in office is the only legal obstacle to Trump ordering Sessions’ replacement to fire Mueller. I don’t know how accurate that is, because basic objective reality continues to be a subject for debate, but enough people think it might be true to make this Wile E. Coyote scheme to avoid prosecution a possibility to consider. It can only get worse until all these fuckers are stripped of everything they have