Further Tales Of American Exceptionalism

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Memo to Steve Prattor, Donald Trump, and Donald Trump: THANKS FOR KEEPING AMERICA SHITTY SOME MORE.

The American nightmare-scape continues apace, as IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The ones that you can work, the ones that can pick up trash, the work release programs — but guess what? Those are the ones that they’re releasing! In addition to the bad ones… they’re releasing some good ones that we use every day to wash cars, to change the oil in our cars, to cook in the kitchen… well, they’re going to let them out!" - Louisiana sheriff Steve Prattor, objecting to his state’s new prison reforms.

We live in a horrible place. Not the most horrible of places, but a very, very horrible place, and that’s why it’s infuriating when people talk about how great this country is, even the leftists who say that sometimes we just don’t live up to our great ideals. But our prisons are fucking for-profit labor camps, and this pigfucker gets cranky when a prison release program takes away his free oil changes and meal service.

The secret shame of America is that your happiness is inversely proportional with your involvement in The System. If you need The System to survive, you’ll be treated as sub-human, forced to pee in a cup for a meager assortment of food stamps or have paper towels hurled at you by a billionaire. And if the System gets its hands on you, you’ll be forced to wash some racist white sheriff’s car like it’s a fucking early 70s exploitation movie. There was a time when a sheriff who pulled shit like this would get wrecked by a Hulked-out Bill Bixby, but those times are long gone.

“You could ask General Kelly, ‘Did he get a call from Obama?’” - President Garbage, still unsure what the worst thing he was going to say that day was.

I can only assume that John Kelly puts his hand between Trump’s hand and the nuclear button between four and eight times a day, or else he’s a soulless monster. Because protecting us from the worst this madman has to offer or complete sociopathy are the only reasons anyone would continue to work for this festering wound on the ass-cheek of America.

Let’s be clear here - Trump raised the specter of John Kelly’s dead, killed-in-combat son to defend himself from completely valid criticism about how he handled his own personal failure to give a shit about the four servicepeople killed in Niger. Every single hour John Kelly spends in this job is either a new condemnation, a deep personal sacrifice, or both, and the only way we’ll know for sure is to survive long enough for his book to come out.

”Yeah, well I hear it. And people have to be careful because at some point I fight back. I'm being very nice. I'm being very, very nice. But at some point I fight back, and it won't be pretty." - President Garbage, threatening to yell at an 81-year-old near-retiree with brain cancer.

This is especially irritating to me, because I’m forced to live through yet another hagiography of John McCain. Between the cancer and the health care vote, his bullshit “maverick” image is in such full effect that he can give a speech where he doesn’t even name Trump and just criticizes the “America First” ideology and it’s got MSNBC asking Democrats who their John McCain is. We don’t need John McCains, we need people who have principles when the cameras are off them.

But that old Trump magic is in full effect. And his sad, pathetic little attempt at bullying is so deeply flawed that if he said the same thing about Hitler, I’d be wondering whose side I should take. Luckily, that’ll never happen, because Trump has way more respect for Hitler than he does for John McCain. Trump’s magic is so powerful they keep playing John McCain condemning nationalism to the “ash cheeks... ash heap” and none of us even get to laugh about it, dammit.