Great Fuckwits of History

« September 2017 »

Memo to Kid Rock, Donald Trump Last Week, and Donald Trump Now: YOU ARE DUMB..

Today, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS takes a long journey through subjective time. From the near-Cretaceous period of mid-September 2017 to the caveman times of last Friday to the present, we try and ride out this year’s idiocy-induced time dilation effects to bring you at least one dumb quote from someone not named Donald Trump.

“And why, these days, is everything so gay? Gay rights, transgender this and that. I say let gay folks get married if they want to and I’m not even close to a deathtrap. But things shouldn’t be this complicated, and no you don’t get to choose because whatever you have between your legs should determine the bathroom that you use.” - Pretend-Senate-Candidate Kid Rock, making people dumb enough to pay for a ticket to listen to him sing also listen to a bigoted campaign speech.

When this story was first reported a couple of weeks ago, before I read the transcript, it sounded like his “why is everything so gay” was a general, poorly-worded lament about the state of current affairs, which would be some unfortunate, but completely on-brand wording from Kid Rock, who’s continuing to pretend he’s running for the Senate in Michigan despite not filing any papers, presumably as a publicity stunt to see if the publicity stunt gets his numbers high enough that he can make it a reality. Or the seventh seal opens. Whichever comes first.

But nope! Kid Rock, who also has to repeatedly tell everyone he loves black people because that’s totally what non-racists do, was actually bemoaning the increased visibility of LGBT people in society, and espoused the “pants plumbing” theory of gender so popular amongst people who don’t know shit about shit and desperately need other people to conform and be miserable to appease their tiny, tiny brains. In other words, if you were wondering if maybe Kid Rock wasn’t a complete asshole, NOPE!

“ Today if you hit too hard—15 yards! Throw him out of the game! They had that last week. I watched for a couple of minutes. Two guys, just really, beautiful tackle. Boom, 15 yards! The referee gets on television—his wife is sitting at home, she’s so proud of him. They’re ruining the game! They’re ruining the game.” - President Garbage, in an overlooked moment of insanity from his Alabama rally.

Rightly or wrongly, most of the media coverage of Trump’s (now, unfortunately, failed) attempt to prop up Luther Strange in his runoff against the incalculably worse repeated YAD subject Roy Moore focused on his call for the NFL to change its employee policies so that protests would violate them. But he also was mad that he couldn’t get boners watching black people give themselves traumatic brain injuries any more.

None of which, by the way, is the crazy part. The crazy part is what Trump thinks the referees’ motivations are for calling penalties and enforcing the rules of the game. He thinks they’re doing it to GET ON TV. It’s basically the same brand of logic he applied to his criticisms of James Comey and Bob Mueller, which is telling as fuuuuuuuuuuuck, projecting as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, and disqualifying as... every other minute and second of his campaign and subsequent presidency, which will forever be the new gold standard for things that disqualify people for things.

“Frankly, it is the most difficult job. It is on an island in the middle of the ocean. You can't just drive your truck there from the other states.” - President SuperDumbShit, having that weird, sputtering nerual connection the rest of us would recognize as “like an epiphany, only much, much smaller”.

At this point, every single person smarter than Donald Trump knows how dumb Donald Trump is, and everyone dumber than Donald Trump is busy going to Kid Rock concerts. How many more of these revelations regarding completely obvious facts kindergarten students understand will it take for the smarter-than-Trump Trump supporters to admit it?

The fun part is, given Trump’s total lack of involvement before now, I actually suspect that the grownups still remaining in the federal government are handling their shit reasonably competently. The media needs to stay on top of this shit, obviously, and make sure that there’s public awareness and pressure brought to bear on Trump and the GOP Congress when they need to get involved, but let’s hope Trump’s newfound need to feel like he’s paying attention to Puerto Rico doesn’t get in the way of the professionals doing the real work.