I'm Late So All The Good Pun Titles Have Been Used

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Memo to Ted Cruz, Ted Cuz, and Ted Cruz: HA H HA HA HA YOU JERK IT.

With the news cycle in a bit of a lull because of storm coverage, and some other things eating up my time, I haven't had much to write about this week. But you know I'm gonna write about Ted Cruz liking a porn video on Twitter. IDIOT SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS TO COVER UP FOR WATCHING PORN ON TWITTER!

"Look, it was -- we had a staffer who accidentally hit the wrong button. And it was a screw-up." - Ted Cruz, to Dana Bash on CNN, starting off unconvincing.

It is true that whoever liked the two minute porn video, involving two people fucking on a couch while a woman who some claim looks a lot like Ted Cruz's wife watches and glazes her raisin from behind a pillar, hit the wrong button. Under no circumstances, when operating the Twitter account of one of America's most-hated conservative politicians, should you "like" a porn video from the account "Sexuall Posts" (sic).

But, and this will become even more important as we go on, the way Twitter works is, the only way to accidentally "like" a tweet is, well, to be looking at it. It has to be on your screen. How can a tweet get on your screen? Well, either you follow the account that tweeted it, you search for something and find it, you go looking through the tweets from a particular account, or someone else you follow retweets it. Oh, or Twitter could include it as a promoted Tweet. The point is, four of those are intentional, and the fifth wouldn't have happened. So the mistake wasn't clicking the wrong button, the mistake was looking at a porn tweet using Ted Cruz's Twitter account. On purpose.

"I saw one person joking online that if only this had happened during the presidential, Cruz might be in the White House right now." - Ted Cruz, trying to make a joke about how he got caught looking at porn on Twitter.

Yeah, you wish. And nobody else wishes. I mean, as bad as Trump is, and he is uniformly awful in every possible way, President Cruz would be worse. And less likely. Because let's face it, if Cruz had won the primary, Hillary would have mopped the fucking floor with his Zodiac killing ass. Trump's victory was the result of a cult of personality, and even when you add "he watches porn" to all his other qualities, Ted Cruz doesn't have enough personality to put together a game of bridge, much less a cult.

Trump could get away with liking porn, or the other, worse, way more non-consensual things he got away with because they absolutely fell in line with the exact kind of racist scumbag everyone knew he was. None of Trump's scandals are off brand. Whereas furious, secretive flogging of the skin flute is definitely off brand for Cruz, and would shock and surprise anyone dumb enough to be a Ted Cruz supporter.

"But I'm not going to throw someone under the bus for what was an honest mistake that caused, you know, a whole lot of laughter on Twitter, but was not malicious. And I promise you, the staffer feels terrible." - Ted Cruz, admitting that there wasn't a staffer, that it was him, and he's the one that feels terrible.

OK. Remember what I said above. The only way to like a tweet is to be looking at it, and it's nearly impossible for someone to accidentally look at a porn tweet. Case in point - I've been on Twitter for years now. I have three Twitter accounts. One of them follows a bunch of people. And this is the first time I've ever known that there were accounts that tweeted out hardcore porn videos. I mean, I assumed there were because Twitter is a medium and all media get used for boners eventually. But I'd never run across one by accident.

I also know very well how much tolerance there is for employees accessing porn on their employers' systems. Which is what someone was doing here. If this staffer really did exist, and was looking at porn on the Ted Cruz account, getting away with a light bit of wrist spanking is wildly improbable. It strains credulity to the breaking point. Ted Cruz can't fire or name the staffer because said staffer would immediately turn around and say "this is bullshit, it was totally Cruz. I'm just a scapegoat. Which, by the way, is another kind of porn Cruz likes." So, yeah. He did it. And you know what? Even if he didn't do it? We're all totally justified in thinking he did it and associating him with doing it from now until the time we remark on his death on Twitter.