Apres Nuke

« August 2017 »

Memo to Donald Trump, Sebastian Gorka, and Donald Trump: YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY DUMB..

As I write this, all of Twitter is convinced millions of people are going to die in a radioactive fireball, while the cooler heads on cable news are convinced that Trump's weird pseudo-junta of friendly retired generals will keep millions of people from dying in a radioactive fireball. I think what I've always thought - that Donald Trump is going to prove to us exactly how much damage a shitty president can cause. Speaking of which, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"So if we can keep them from going on and maybe by talking to youth and telling them: No good, really bad for you in every way. But if they don’t start, it will never be a problem." -Donald Trump's solution to the opioid epidemic.

If you're anything like me, you're keeping an informal list in your head of Shit Trump Doesn't Know. It's not so you can be surprised when something new is added to the list, but more so you can be constantly amazed at the depth and breadth of his ignorance. For example, today, I learned that Donald Trump doesn't know what the fuck an opioid is. He just knows it's bad because it's killing white people.

But sure, let's tell kids to Just Say No to opioids, and then when they grow up and get surgery or otherwise need pain management and they get prescribed one of the overprescribed, over-marketed opioids that, while effective, are also super problematic and the ultimate expression of our national approach to pharmaceuticals over the past few decades, they can just think back to what they learned in Jeff Sessions' revitalized D.A.R.E. classes and look up on the Internet how to crush them for a better high.

"When people fake hate crimes in the last six months with some regularity, it’s wise to find out what exactly is going on before you make statements, when they could turn out to be not who you are expecting.” - One of Trump's Nazi advisors, Sebastian Gorka, on why his Nazi-loving boss haven't said anything about the bombing of an Islamic center in my neck of the woods.

I'm not even going to dignify the white supremacist double-standard here by explaining it. We all fucking know what's going on here. And we all know how many bags of dicks it can choke on.

But I would like to point out that with Gorka talking to reporters about issues and being quoted publically as a "White House aide", and with Stephen Miller assuming his lizard form and hurling around white nationalist code words like "cosmopolitan" to piss on Emma Lazarus' grave and possibly being rewarded with the Mooch's job as a result, after 200 days, the Trump administration is more Nazi-forward than it's been at any point to date. They're still shitty at it, but now they're being really brazenly shitty about it.

"North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. He has been very threatening beyond a normal state and as I said they will be met with fire and fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.” - Donald Trump, taking a strong stand against world leaders making wild, irresponsible threats against other countries.

Obviously, war with North Korea would be an awful fucking idea. That's the main reason it hasn't happened yet. You'd think we'd have learned by now, after Iraq and Afghanistan, that war isn't some magic problem-fixing thing that always works out great for everyone involved. But there's a part of me that thinks if things are going to go completely to shit, them going completely to shit from Donald Trump setting the world on fire while on vacation in New Jersey is, at least, thematically apropos for the times..

So let's look on the bright side. Think, for example, of how hilariously wrong post-apocalyptic grammarians will be, looking at the last remaining evidence of Trump's statements before The Great Burning and assuming that's how English works, because the same civilization that produced iPad Pros and Hulk Hands wouldn't have elected a leader without a basic grasp of the syntax of his native tongue. Think about what fallout-mutated vegetables will do for State Fair agricultural competitions! And think about how Trump, years ago, warned us on Twitter about how a president's incompetence would lead to World War III, because of course he did.