Lock The Bathroom Door, Grover

« February 2005 »

Memo to America's conservatives: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I understand just being conservative in general. Maybe you're against "big government", or maybe you're a screaming bigot, or whatever. You have a set of beliefs, and you associate yourself with those beliefs, and you vote accordingly. Which is fine. But why do you have to be so damn creepy about it?

I mean, here I am, just going about my day, when I see a report from the Conservative Political Action Congress on Salon. And they show this picture, this bit of heroic iconography, that apparently is quite the hit in poster form amongst attendees at this conference. As soon as you see the image, you'll know why I had to ask the question I had to ask.

You see what I mean? I don't get it. How do you cross the line and go from political philosophy to really fucking disturbing hero-worship? For all the problems the Left has in thic country, this isn't one of them. None of us had John Kerry posters on our walls, much less posters of Kerry portrayed as some heroic liberal icon. We only have the one, anyway, and portraying Kerry as MLK would probably get a bunch of people into well-deserved trouble.

There are so many things wrong with this picture, on so many levels - the Alex Ross sheen, the addition of bulging, manly, brush-clearing muscles to a man who's never had to do an honest day's work... but what's really troubling is that people felt it was a good idea to do. And other people felt it was a good idea to get this and hang it on their wall. Imagine going over to someone's house and getting hit full-on in the face with this in their foyer? You'd spend the next hour stammering, your mouth open in a silent scream of horror.

But, in the spirit of reaching out, uniting, and trying to understand our freakish countrymen, I have come up with a number of reasons someone might find this image appealing or useful.

REASON ONE: They are Grover Norquist, and it's MASTURBATION TIME, BABY. Those of you not sufficiently familiar with Grover Norquist to vomit after this sentence may substitute Tucker Carlson at no extra charge.

REASON TWO: They think it actually advocates a government takeover of Kentucky Fried Chicken, which has long been a bastion of evil communist multiculturism (see: breakdancing Colonel)..

REASON THREE: No fucking sense of perspective whatsoever.

REASON FOUR: No fucking sense of perspective whatsoever.

REASON FIVE: They actually think this is how the war in Iraq is being fought. That Dubya is rolling up his sleeves, going over there on weekends, and punching out Osama Bin Laden, who lives in the Death Star, in the middle of downtown Baghdad. Cackling.

REASON SIX: Concerned with America's burgeoning obesity epidemic, they think the solution is surgically removing America's midsection. Not the "red states", just the actual midsections of every American, as portrayed in this stunning painting.

REASON SEVEN: They assume it's the first in a series of "Presidential Striptease" collectible animation cels.


I'm not asking you to change your politics. Or your belief system. Or your religion. All I'm asking is for you to treat your guys with the same amount of ironic detachment, cynicism, and fundamental mistrust that the rest of us normal people treat OUR guys with. They're not superheroes, they're not the personification of our national virility. They're just ratfucking politicians you think will screw you over five percent less than the other ratfuckers.

Is that too much to ask? Magic eight-ball says YES.