Unforgivable Oversight

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Memo to the audience. THAT WAS INEXCUSABLE AND I APOLOGIZE.

I go out of my way to make very few promises when it comes to You Are Dumb Dot Net, but I do hold myself to certain internal, personal standards, and I am here to tell you that I have failed to meet those standards. Yes, things have been crazy the last few weeks, on both the micro- and the macro-levels, but that's not an excuse.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, excuses the fact that it has been THIRTEEN DAYS since Rick Perry got tricked into talking to Russian Pranksters for 22 consecutive minutes and it is only now, just now, that I am getting around to mentioning it. I'm sorry.

There are lots of kinds of dumb in the Trump administration and cabinet. There is incompetent dumb, venal dumb, malicious dumb, Nazi dumb, pundit dumb, a press secretary who has apparently decided the most appropriate tone for her to use is one of "THEY SAID THEY'D HAVE MY ENTIRE FAMILY KILLED", and, of course, the unquantifiable morass of whatever the fuck Donald Trump is.

But Rick Perry? Rick Perry is a fucking purist. Apparently, after having gotten a "D" in "Meats" in college (the official fact I will mention every time the subject of Rick Perry comes up), and after having forgotten one of the three agencies he wanted to eliminate during the 2012 campaign, and after having tried to wear fake glasses during the 2016 campaign in order to seem smarter, and after that having not worked, and after going on to head the agency he forgot he wanted to eliminate (Energy), Perry has apparently decided to fully embrace his pure, unadulterated derp.

Bask in that paragraph for just a minute. Laid out like that, it's still pretty fucking astonishing, even in this day and age.

So yes, Rick Perry had a call set up with the Ukrainian prime minister, and spent over 20 minutes chatting amiably with Vladimir Krasnov and Alexei Stolyarov, a.k.a. "The Jerky Boys of Russia", a name that not only accurately describes their schtick, but really hurts Crank Yankers' feelings. During the call, they discussed coal, natural gas, and a biofuel that, according to the pranksters, was made of moonshine and pig shit.

That would be bad enough. That makes Perry and his staff look like blithering fucking idiots, which we know is at least true of Perry. But there's something more important here, which is stunning, and which you may have realized if you've heard me talk about Rick Perry before: coal, natural gas, the Paris climate accords, pig shit biofuel, and pretty much everything else discussed in that conversation aren't Rick Perry's fucking job.

Again, and please, someone explain this to Rick Perry - his department doesn't deal with fossil fuels, it deals with nuclear power and our nuclear arsenal. Actually, wait, no. Nobody explain that to him. I have to assume that everyone at the Department of Energy, after years of being led by actual nuclear fucking physicists, have just collectively decided to let Rick Perry play-act his own version of what he thinks a Secretary of Energy is so that there aren't any meltdowns or accidental launches when he mistakenly sits on an important button.>/p>

For that matter, Perry's staff probably set him up with the pranksters knowing it'd be less damanging than a conversation with the actual prime minister. Forget I said anything, Department of Energy. Keep up the good work.