To Boldly Shut Your Shat-Hole, Already

« February 2005 »

Memo to Trekkies: LET GO. Just let go.

Release your death-grip. Find some other way to stem your insatiable, undifferentiating hunger for anything and everything spewed from Paramount's collective Satanic wang. Let "Enterprise" die on UPN's vine. It's OK.

Barring that, if you truly find yourself unable to accept the show's cancellation, surprise us. Seek out new campaigns, new techniques. Because all your "Save Star Trek" campaigning has managed so far is the same ancient bullshit that network executives stopped even laughing at years ago.

But why the fuck are you even trying? Do you realize how much fucking Star Trek you have? Sixty nine hours of original series. Twenty hours of movies. Eleven hours of animated. A hundred and seventy eight hours of Next Generation. A hundred and seventy six hours of Deep Space Nine. A hundred and seventy two hours of Voyager. And between 99 and 104 hours of Enterprise, depending on how it finishes up.

That's SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY HOURS of Star Trek, not counting DVD extras, documentaries, reference materials, "professional" fiction novels, video games, and fan-fiction. And every last fucking second of it is, or will be by year's end, available for you to purchase in pristine digital format. All of it.

This means that, if you wanted, allowing eight hours a day for sleep, but assuming you can eat, pee, shit, and masturbate while watching, that it would take you over SIX AND A HALF WEEKS to see it all. That's enough fucking Star Trek. Another 78 crapass hours of crapass "Bakula To The Future" and its horny Vulcan will not top off whatever vast tank of emptiness the first 730 horus failed to fill. Even assuming that most of it sucks big hairy tribbles, you're all still so much luckier than fans of every other series or franchise known to man that your greediness at this point seems desperate, clingy, and disturbing. And as we all know, Trekkies hate to seem desperate, clingy and disturbing.

Oh, how I wish I'd done this column when the show first got cancelled. But no. I thought about it. Settled on making jokes about Brannon Braga living in a cardboard box to friends and forumites. But I thought about it. And one ot the things I thought about was the absolute certainty that when the time came to save "Enterprise", these Trekhumpers would, beyond a shadow of a doubt, pull out the phrase "the continuing journey of Captain Archer" or semantic equivalent. I cannot prove to you that I would have written this, but that's OK, because I don't care whether you believe me. MAKE ACTUAL QUOTE TIME SO.

"Captain Archer and the crew of the NX-01 need your help to continue their journeys!" - Text fo a full page fan-bought ad in the LA Times. Which, by the way, only scores big on the whoopdishitometer. When Howard Dean can finance most of a political campaign on the Internet, the fact that you can come up with 20 grand or so between a bunch of Trekkies with 'net connections is a gnat's fart in a hurricane. TRY HARDER OR GO HOME.

The idea, apparently, is to get Trek fans to send in "pledges" to prove that they'll watch the show. Now, I'm not a huge fan of Nielsen, but the people that make the money decisions are. As far as they're concerned, they already KNOW how many people will watch the show. Two point six million. You think two point seven million Trekkies are gonna clip coupons out of the L.A. Times and send 'em in? Ain't gonna happen. And odds are the number that's gonna pay for all your fancy CGI, pushup bras, and catsuits is a lot bigger than 2.6 million.

And I know Trekkies love to live in the past while pretending to look to the future, but come the fuck ON. Full-page ads? Letter campaigns? What is this, 1990? "Roswell" fans sent bottles of Tabasco to the producers. Which didn't help. I'm sure Angel fans did something that didn't help. Yes, fans "saved" the original series, allowing "Spock's Brain" to be made. Good job there. But it was a simpler time then. If someone thought they could make money showing it, they'd be stepping up and spending money to make it, and letters won't change that.

So watch the end, buy the DVD's, and wait. In a few years. I'm sure that before the decade's out, some Paramount executives will figure you've waited long enough to be begging for it, so they'll throw another spaceship and crew of carefully groomed archetypes up there for you to jump at. And you will, because that's what you do. But until that "glorious" day, for once let Trek die with the four atoms of dignity it has left.