Ground Zero Shouldn't Have Traffic Jams

« February 2005 »

Memo to "Bad Boys": YOU ARE DUMB.

When, exactly, was the last time something worthwhile was named Bad Boy(s)? Puffy's record label? Shit. The Michael Bay movies? Shit. Theme to COPS? Shit. The guy with the goatee in all the boy bands? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

But now we have the "Bad Boy Heavy Muscle Truck", and the good news is, all those other Bad Boys can feel a little bit better about themselves.

The last time they announced a huge-ass truck, the International CXT, I let it go. Some company wants to produce a luxury version of a tractor-trailer cab, weighing in at one pound under the legal limit requiring a commercial driver's license, well, they're a bunch of assholes. But it takes more than mere size to one-up the Hummer as the vehicle of choice for pricks with more money than they deserve. The CXT had size, and leather seats, and a DVD player, but it lacked that certain je ne sais quoi le fuck est wrong with vous that warranted attention. But the "Bad Boy" has captured that ineffable, whiffable eau de asswipe needed to capture the upscale truck market by storm.

First there's the name itself. "Bad Boy Heavy Muscle Truck". You know, there's a fucking REASON the car-dick comparison is overused and trite. It's because people like the makers of the "Bad Boy Heavy Muscle Truck" go out of their way to make it so fucking obvious. After all, you don't want to be one of those Good Boys, driving hybrid cars, listening to zydeco, and not getting your tiny, tiny penis touched by a woman, do you? No. You want to be a Bad Boy. Taking up four parking spaces. Getting a very optimistic 6.8 miles per gallon with your FIFTY EIGHT GALLON TANK. And that's burning DIESEL. You want to write your name in the earth with your rock-dissolving man-piss.

The "Bad Boy" is brought to you by, get this, Homeland Defense Vehicles LLC. Of East Texas. Honk if you're surprised. Yes, you too can defend the homeland from the twin horrors of excessive oil reserves and an undeserved reputation for arrogant consumption. Oh, and according to their fine press release, the "Bad Boy" will "protect against Bad Guy terrorists". You see, the Bad Boy, as a luxury, civilian version of the Army's Medium Tactical Vehicle, claims it can be equipped to protect against nuclear radiation, chemical agents, and biological agents. Which probably means there's leaded glass in the windshield and two packs of Tom Ridge Approved duct-tape and plastic sheeting in the trunk.

But what if it's true? How much would THAT suck? Major terrorist attack wipes out a huge population center, and the only things that survive are the cockroaches and three assholes who couldn't be satisfied by a Hummer. If that's not cosmic injustice on an epic scale, I don't know what is.

So, who buys one of these patented duck-and-cover bomb shelters on wheels? Well, we start wilh someone who has a quarter million to slap on the table before options and extended warranties. So people who are rich, but not start-your-own-space-program rich*. But why take my word for it? Why not turn to auto industry expert and marketing specialist* Art Spinelli. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's a statement vehicle. I know people who would buy this and that's the only reason they would do it -- because it makes a statement." - Fuck those people. Fuck them right in the gas-hole. You know what I did when I wanted to make a statement? I dropped one-thirty-thousandth of the base price of YOUR statement on a domain name, and now I can make all the statements I want. Two whole years worth before I have to renew, even. In two years, where's your "statement" going to be? Depreciated, supplanted, and if there's a just and kind god watching over us, keyed by every single motherfucking person that comes within arm's reach.

Options include the usual shit you've seen in any given episode of "Pimp My Ride" - media players, flat-screen monitors, GPS. I'm sure they'd put a gong in it if you asked. The actual "survive a terrorist attack" option, by the way, includes an air filtration system, radiation detectors, and costs a cool $750,000. But the people who'd spring for that aren't terrified, paranoid assholes, according to HDV president Daniel Ayers. A truck this expensive comes with dual ACTUAL QUOTE TIMES, standard.

"There's a certain group of people who color outside the box. This is the truck for them." - Ayers, who also called the truck a "rugged Bubba". Which actually makes me feel better. Because anyone who springs for the full anti-terrorism package will be trusting, to protect them from nuclear fallout, a guy who doesn't know the difference between THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX and COLORING OUTSIDE THE LINES.

So when your hair plugs are falling out in clumps and your testicles are turning green along with all us poorer people, and you're sitting there in your statement dying of anthrax just like the rest of us, at least we'll have the consolation of knowing it wasn't because WE put our trust in a retarded Texan who can't get his words straight. Wait. Fuck.

*A.K.A. "A fuckwad."