Ashton, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

« February 2005 »

Memo to Bus Chick: YOU ARE DUMB.

Yes, it's time for one of those YAD rarities, a Real-Life Dumb Encounter! We don't do these a lot here, because I try to avoid idiots in real-life, and I don't usually have the memory to transcribe incidents anyway. But every once in a while, it happens. Like on the bus.

You would think public transit would provide more fodder, but 99% of the time it's just drunk people, loud people, or both. And I don't get a lot of any of that in the morning anyway, because I take the Yuppie Bus. Starts near the suburbs, traverses a very nice section of town I can't afford to live in, then ends up downtown where we all work. Most everyone is quiet most days, but not yesterday. Not Dumb Chick.

It started off so well, and ended so badly, that it was like the roller-coaster crash of overheard conversations. It's like you're ready for the big drop, and then it happens, and then you hear a metal-on-metal squealing you know you shouldn't be hearing, and the next thing you know your own intestines are mixed with the cotton candy 300 feet away. But it started off fine, by hating Meet The Fockers.

Apparently, Dumb Chick's mother refused to believe that Meet The Fockers could possibly suck, because it had Barbara Streisand in it. Dumb Chick, in a move designed to camouflage her true nature from the world, understood that Meet The Fockers was a shit sequel to a shit movie, and tried to save her mother from the agony of a bland Stiller sequel. All well and good. We've all had that conversation, desperately trying to save those who cannot be saved, tilting at the windmill of "How Bad Could It Be?"

And then, again attempting to show that her heart was in the right place, Dumb Chick explained that she likes smart, witty, quotable comedies, and not dumb comedies. And that men who like dumb man comedies are right out. Again, heart in the right place, but the location of her head was broadcast to the immediate vicinity when she used "Office Space" as the "smart" example and "Zoolander" as the dumb example.

Now, I love "Office Space". And I love "Zoolander". But these two movies are in no way the endpoints of some cinematic bell curve. Her statement was especially dumb-founding when she declared her favorite part of Office Space to be the smashing of the printer, a scene that is probably the least witty or quotable one in the whole movie. It's no "he took my stapler", that's for damn sure.

So things are rapidly deteriorating, and I'm chuckling to myself in the innate superiority of my unchecked ego, when suddenly I hear Dumb Chick say "Oh, or "She-Devil"! I need to see that again! I watch it about once every year!" That's when I learned which dents first - a bus ceiling or a skull. Turns out it's the bus ceiling, but it was a close margin.

Dumb Chick had to explain it to her cohort, so I probably have to explain it to some of you. Roseanne Barr. Meryl Streep. Ed Begley Jr. All in a supposed "dark comedy" so failing in either darkness or comedy that it makes "Death Becomes Her" seem tolerable. It's one of two movies I've walked out on in my entire life. Hearing someone say they watch "She-Devil" once a year is like hearing someone discuss their sulfuric acid enema. It's inexplicable. It's not like she said "Hudson Hawk", or "Starship Troopers", or some other movie that has a deluded but recognized following. It's "She-Devil". In the fifteen years since the movie came out, I have never, ever, heard anyone say they liked it, much less made it an annual tradition.

It's like a chupacabra. You just assume they're a myth, and then one day, on your way to work, there's one two rows ahead of you suckin' on a goat like it's a venti half-caf latte. The soul recoils, the brain rejects, the heart denies. She can't have just said she watches the Roseanne Barr/Ed Begley Jr. "She-Devil" once a year, even though every last one of those words came out of her mouth. Maybe it's spy-code for "the microfilm is taped to the bottom of my seat. Wait three blocks then retrieve it. Long live Iceland."

But, as Ashton Kutcher did not appear to inform me I was the subject of the most elaborate, pointless punk'ding in history, I have to accept that it was just a Dumb Chick on a bus.