Time Is Running Out

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Memo to Donald Trump, Donald Trump, and Donald Trump: GET WHILE THE GETTIN' IS GOOD.

There's a day of reckoning coming. I'm not saying it's November 9. I'm not even sure it's going to be in November. But sometime soon, Donald Trump is going to get Palined the fuck out of this column. At some point, probably in the next six weeks, Trump will transition from Underpowered Hitler Emulator to a guy whose sole purpose is to keep saying stupid shit to the only people who won't call him on it. At that point, the things this idiot says will no longer be the damndest. But until then, IDIOT SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"That’s why he stuck up for Hillary, because he didn’t want to be dragged in. Because he knew all about her private server. This means that he has to be investigated." - Donald Trump, because really, why not anymore?

Clearly, at this point, the Trump campaign has entered the fourth stage of grief. Keeping in mind, of course, that their five stages of grief are Denial, Delusion, More Denial, More Delusion, and Exploitation. In Trump's mind, he's already had Hillary arrested, and now he's planning to stop and frisk Obama to see if maybe he's hiding Hillary's e-mails next to his secret cigarette stash.

And to be fair, it's not a bad move for a campaign based solely on shoring up a rapidly eroding base. I mean, the core of the Trump supporters are just the same crazy third who went around Tea Party rallies telling each other that Obama was an illegal immigrant and/or terrorist. Trump's call for investigations warms their little crotches, like a pre-Viagra old man remembering the halcyon days when he could get boners.

"I’ve been endorsed by virtually every police department and police group. And I’ve been endorsed largely, at least conceptually, by the military.” - Trump, inexplicably hedging his bets at this point.

Give the man credit. If you'd asked me yesterday whether or not Donald Trump could say the word "conceptually" and use it correctly, at least conceptually, in a sentence. I'd have bet money that he couldn't. But look at him go. He thinks he's people!

What I don't understand, though, is why he felt he needed to use it at all? He didn't have any problem pretending that two police union endorsements equals "every police department" even though police departments don't endorse. So why not pretend that the entire military endorses you? I mean, who are you gonna lose if you do that? Let's face it, most of your endorsements from Republican politicans are "conceptual" at this point. No need to bring up the idea.

"One said, 'he grabbed me on the arm.' And she's a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, 'he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.' Oh, I'm sure she's never been grabbed before." - Donald Trump, the most predictable man in political history.

Dude, you're not even trying anymore. I don't even have to guess that every single last one of you reading this saw the headline that a porn star had accused Trump of kissing her against her will and then begging and trying to bribe her to come back to him, and knew that this would be his response. I should have started a pool on the exact wording, which was the only thing even remotely up for debate.

Anyway, in any other circumstances, a presidential candidate with a view of consent rooted in what first class stewardesses would put up with in the 70s would be a big fucking deal, but now it's just a small piece of the puzzle that is Trump's disintegrating campaign. We're past "he's horrible" and on to calculating the odds that his concession speech will be the first to include an on-air suicide. I'm at like 7%, but that's up from 0% a month ago, so anything's possible.