The State Of The Marmot

« February 2005 »

Memo to the groundhogs: FUCK OFF, YOU FAT MOOCHING RODENTS.

I thought about hitting up the State of the Union, but I only got about three paragraphs in to the transcript before it wavered in front of my eyes and became a jumble of miscellaneous bullshit and lies we've all heard dozens of times before. Blahbety blah stronger, blahbety blah time to fuck Social Security in the back with long knives, blahbety blah but not for you voting seniors, you're fine, it's those younguns who didn't bother to vote I'll be screwing over to make Wall Street fat off of fees, blah freedom blah.

And anyway, I'm still pissed off about the groundhogs, their day, and their hordes of mentally deficient worshippers. What better tradition for the New Dark Ages than heading out into the cold, standing around a hole, and waiting for a pampered, overfed rat who's treated better than most homeless people to tell you your meteorological future? Short of the reinstitution of actual blood sacrifice, Groundhog Day is America at its witch-burning, heretic-drowning, science-hating best. I mean, what the fuck?

Even as I speak, glaciers are shearing off into the ocean, bears are waking up hungry in January, and we're still DEBATING global warming. We're not SURE there's global warming. Maybe we're wrong about global warming. Maybe we don't have to do anything about global warming right now. We should study it more. Take our time. Make sure we get it right. After all, there are literally dozens of well-paid, industry-funded scientists who will go on any show in the nation and spend thirty seconds telling you how global warming is a myth! Their side of the debate needs to be respected. Global warming's just a theory. Like evolution.

But come February, all these fucking amateur climatologists throw on their goofy hats and truck out to see Punxatawney Phil, or head down south to Georgia where General Beauregard, I kid you the fuck not, lives in a three-story "mansion", and I continue to kid you the fuck not, and when Phil or the General declare six more weeks fo winter, well, by gum, there's no debate, there's no discussion of whether the General should sign any emissions-control treaties, everyone just laps it up because it's "tradition". Well, fuck them with the last icicle on Earth, frankly.

Maybe that's what Kyoto needs to get the US on board. A fucking GROUNDHOG. Call him "Kyoto Ken". Give him a little pagoda. And then, every February, if he comes out and sees his shadow, we're all gonna DIE in six years. And if he doesn't, it's just the polar bears that'll die and we'll have to bring SCUBA gear to Mardi Gras. Scientists lie, but magical animals? Never. Listen ye unto the funny marmot, for he is wise in the ways of high pressure systems.

According to CNN, Phil's prediction of more winter "was greeted by boos from the thousands in attendance". WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? What are thousands of people doing out there in the first place, much less BOOING a fat old animal who probably just wants to die, alone and in peace? You're heckling a groundhog. He doesn't come down to where you work and slap the pig's dick out of your mouth. I'm sorry if the animal's climate prediction displeases you, but, you know. He didn't ask for this job. He's not the one that said "Hey, you know what? I can predict the weather! Just listen to ol' Punxatawney Phil, and you'll know when to take the snow chains offa your car!" The problem is not with the lump of fur and lard in the hole, it's with the lumps of fur and lard in the audience. And speaking of which, I believe it's six more weeks of ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We considered this an educational purpose" - Nikki Wehrmann. Nikki believes the children are our future. Teach them that animals predict the weather, and let them lead the way straight to hell. What else is Nikki teaching her daughters? "And anything that brings 20,000 or 30,000 people on some years we have to do it at least once." First, Nikki was off this year by a factor of ten to fifteen times. And second, NO YOU FUCKING DON'T. Twenty to thirty thousand people doing something "some years' is not a social imperative.

If Darling Nikki had the slightest inkling of the number of different fetishes, crimes against nature, and general acts of perversion that are committed by twenty to thirty thousand people "some years", she'd rethink her little philosophy real quick. Some of 'em even have conventions. Some of 'em are dressed up as groundhogs. And some of 'em don't HAVE to dress up.

Let the groundhogs go. Stop harassing them. Stop trying to put them on Atkins (Beauregard, last year). Stop relying on centuries-old superstitions for the sum total of your weather knowledge. The groundhogs will appreciate it. I will appreciate it. And eventually, our world will appreciate it.