Stemming The Tide

« February 2005 »

Memo to America's Dumbasses: YOU'RE BORING, TOO.

If you're going to reject science, wisdom, and rationality to the extent that you're a sucker for every snake-oil salesman and tonic pitchman that comes along, you could at least have the common decency to be susceptible to stylish flim-flam Something with a big mustache and some pizazz. But no. You have to fall for the blandest of the bland, stuff that wears the soft-focus professionalism of the pharmaceutical companies even though it's actually some crap people had laying around the house next to some empty bottles.

Altovis, Enzyte, and their ilk's worst crime is that they're DULL. When the herbal stuff was all wrapped up in holistic hippie bullshit, it was annoying, but it wasn't DULL. Before that, when a guy in a loud suit pulled up and offered you some mercury and soda water in the hopes of curing your dropsy and your impotence*, there was an element of showmanship to it. There is no showmanship to AbsorbShun.

We've got to begin with the name, because for one thing, once we get into discussing what the product actually does, the more delicate amongst you may perhaps want to bow out. First, the name is the kind of product-naming pun that gets you sent to perdition for all eternity. And second, the name implies that the product is intended to hinder absorption. AbsorbSHUN. Perhaps it's like Turtle Wax, or a Stainmaster treatment. Something that prevents liquid from being absorbed. That would make sense.

But no. AbsorbShun is designed to absorb. It's like naming your new line of sponges HydroImpervio**. Specifically, it's a powder designed to absorb excess moisture. Even more specifically than that, and this would be your jumping off point if you don't want your co-workers to know why you're blushing, it's designed to absorb excess vaginal moisture. During sex. Now, when it comes to genital humidity, generally speaking, the "Gobi Desert" is the end of the scale where people usually consider the problem to be. Any passing familiarity with Penthouse Letters would lead you to believe that, at least until the risk of drowning presents itself, it's a "the more, the merrier" kind of situation.

But let's assume that people from the "water slides at Busch Gardens" are suffering, that the flood is as destructive as the drought. Even so, some of the claims made by the makers of AbsorbShun are a bit iffy. By drying things out, you see, the woman will feel, er, "smaller" and the man will feel "bigger". Sure, you may notice loud squeaking noises during sex (assuming you're not already making them) and the occasional brush fire, but isn't it worth it to make your guy think he's swinging Berlesque pipe?

But what IS AbsorpShun powder? Since what few regulations exist to cover stuff like this prevent the manufacturers from calling it "magical pussydust", they have resorted to an overly technical description designed to sound impressive. It's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Anp is made from the finely pulverized cells of an unmodified, naturally occurring maize plant." First, so you know, "Anp" is how they refer to AbsorpShun Natural Powder. So if you're comfortable applying ANYTHING to your genitals that is produced by folks who don't understand how INITIALS work, go right ahead. Second, a "maize plant" is CORN. Third, an "unmodified, naturally-occurring maize plaint" is REGULAR OLD CORN. And when you pulverize corn, you know what you get? CORN STARCH. AKA baby powder. AKA the thickener in many Asian sauces. And they want you to put it all over your naughty bits. During sex.

There are so many ways this could go wrong. Use too much and you'll sandblast your sugar walls, which is really only useful if you have a graffiti problem up there. Even if you use the right amount, from my understanding of the culinary arts, you're gonna end up making love gravy. Nobody wants love gravy. Of course, even assuming it's a good idea, these people couldn't just send Heloise a helpful hint about how great corn starch is for the cooch. They had to bottle it, put lots of words on it, and treat it like a medical product, because that's what people want these days. The FAQ is priceless. The answer to everything is that the stuff is "100% natural".

Does it burn? No, it's 100% natural! So's cayenne pepper, but I'm not gonna put it on my dick. Can I eat it? Of course, it's 100% natural! So's birdshit. Sticky or gooey? NATURAL. Smell bad? NATURAL. Is it safe? NATURAL. Does nobody watch the Discovery Channel? Their whole purpose is to constantly remind us that nature is full of sticky, gooey, stinky, burning stuff you shouldn't eat that wants to KILL YOU. But since the REAL answer to all these questions is "It's just some corn starch that we're marking up to an obscene degree", they have to come up with something that sounds better.

How obscene? TWENTY EIGHT BUCKS for six ounces of corn starch. Seventy five dollars a pound for corn starch. If you're that dumb, save yourself sixty dollars a pound and just shove a Maine lobster on the end of his dick. He'll feel bigger, you'll feel smaller, and neither of you will ever breed again.

*Despite what it sounds like, "dropsy" is not actually the old-timey word for a limp dick. It's a whole other ailment which, if you look it up, is actually very very funny when paired with "impotence". Think of it as an extra credit joke.

**Which really is less of a product name and more of a J.K. Rowling spell, now that I think about it.