It Slices! It Dices! It Spreads Julienne Freedom!

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Memo to Republicans: THIS WAS NOT YOUR ELECTION.

I realize you've been practicing your gloating ever since November, carefully rehearsing how to turn a tiny victory into a massive landslide, but it's really unseemly of you to be acting as if every last one of the Iraqis who voted over the weekend wrote in "George W. Bush" for Iraqi president. These are people, not your very own tank of political Sea Monkeys, you fucks.

Already, the letters have started pouring in to the papers, claiming that the Iraqi elections were somehow a vindication of Bush and a defeat for Democrats. Which is ridiculous. The Democrats don't oppose free elections anywhere. The Democrats don't oppose ANYTHING anywhere. And on the off chance they do, they oppose things like the naive idea that all Dubya ever wanted was to have this election day happen the way it did, and shit like no WMD or nine billion reconstruction dollars evaporating into thin air Just Don't Matter.

The Iraqi elections were a victory for idealism. Yes, they risked death to vote, although probably not to the extent it's being portrayed. Yes, there were more candidates on the ballot than "Saddam Hussein" and "Please Cut Off My Testicles". But that's it. The extent to which this weekend can be cheered stops right there. Extrapolating beyond that is delusional. In denial of every fact surrounding this mess. And precisely what the administration wants you to do.

This is not, as one letter-writer put it, a "victory over fascism". Could we PLEASE stop calling the insurgents slash terrorists in Iraq "fascists"? Fascism is not freedom, but neither is it merely the opposite of freedom. Just because Lex Luthor fought against Superman, it didn't make Lex a fucking FASCIST. Fascism is a specific word describing a specific political movement with a specific meaning. The ones that blow up civilians are "terrorists". The ones that blow up soldiers are "insurgents". Their motivations are many and varied, their methods are reprehensible, but that doesn't mean they're big Mussolini fans, or even know who Mussolini is.

Nor was the election a repudiation of the left, as many seem to think. It's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This victory of democracy was also a response to the demeaning commentaries by sore loser Democrats like Ted Kennedy, Mark Dayton, Barbara Boxer and John Kerry." - Bob Maginnis of Edina. Wow, a guy from Edina treating foreigners like pets. Quelle surprise. Iraqis did not vote to piss Barbara Boxer off. And can we fucking ban "sore loser" from the political lexicon forever, too? People who lose elections still get to say stuff, Bob. If they didn't, your entire rich white Republican suburb would have been turned into a work camp in '92 and you wouldn't be writing pithy little letters to the local paper today.

The interesting thing about all this talk about "brave Iraqis" is that Sunday was probably the single safest day in Iraq since we started bombing them. Yes, they were brave. Braver than me. There's no way in hell I'd have gone out to vote in a fractured election for a temporary interim government who won't actually get to run the show anyway because the president was hand-picked by America. Especially if I might get blown up in the process. But if you had to go outside in Iraq, better on Sunday than Saturday or Monday.'Cause if you got blowed up on Sunday, you were big news. Everyone knows that 44 people died on Iraqi Election day. Nobody knows how many people died yesterday. The world was watching, and it was in the best interests of the administration and the U.S. forces that things go smoothly. It's the only day in this entire Mesopotamian Clusterfuck where the deaths of Iraqi civilians translated directly to political black marks for George W. Bush. If I lived in Iraq, I'd have planned my big grocery shopping day around the election.

Most Democrats are going out of their way to praise the election's success. This is because they didn't even show UP for the pre-election perception fight. They let the election become this huge symbol. Another elaborately-constructed "Mission Accomplished" banner. Doesn't matter who they voted for, you see. Or what they were voting for. All that matters is that the election happens as scheduled, and that people voted. That's the perception Bush and Company carefully built over the past six months, without any opposition, because after all, if you question the Iraqi election, you're questioning the very CONCEPT OF DEMOCRACY ITSELF. And the public buys into that because they're the public and they're fucking idiots and can't tell the difference between a piece of plywood with the word "Skyscraper" written on it and the actual Empire State Building.

But that's OK. The election's over, and as far as you know, that means everything's fixed. You can stop paying attention to Iraq now and start worrying about more important things, like how we're going to keep Social Security from going on a murderous twelve-state rampage next year, or how PBS is going to make everyone into huge dykes by running an episode of "Buster". Nearly 60% of Iraqis in certain precincts voted, so the country is safe and free! HOORAY FOR THE MAGIC OF DEMOCRACY.