Power To The People

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Memo to Rick Scott, Ted Cruz, and The Enemies of Satan and Porn: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is dedicated to the little people. Ordinary citizens taking on the powers that be using the few weapons they have at their disposal. Mostly the Internet, when it comes right down to it, but also an occasional statue and/or coloring book.

Man, how fucking insecure is Rick Scott? The Florida governor was the unwitting star of a viral video when a woman went off on him in a Starbucks for, well, being Florida Governor Rick Scott. She called him an asshole, which some people find uncivil but, again, Rick Scott. That's just solid taxonomical classification. And as a Republican with two grown daughters, so I can't imagine a woman calling him an asshole is a new experience for him.

Yet he still felt compelled to release a video smearing the woman, Cara Jennings, in what would be a parody of right-wing attack ads if it weren't a real live overreaction. He titled the video "Latte Liberal Gets An Earful", points out that she refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance (GASP!) and described herself as an anarchist (GASP!) and implied she was mentally ill. Oh, and since she criticized his job creation record, claimed she was unemployed because she was "sitting around coffee shops, demanding public assistance, surfing the internet, and cursing at customers." Wow. Way to rebut that "asshole" charge, asshole.


In this campaign, there has been no greater source of hilarity than Craig Mazin, Ted Cruz' freshman roommate at Princeton. Mazin knew Cruz during the presidential candidates' "aspiring to world domination" years... well, his "openly admitting on video to aspiring to world domination" years, anyway. It was Mazin who revealed that, yes, Cruz was always that smarmy and unlikable. And when Mother Jones revealed that, as a lawyer, Cruz unsuccessfully argued that Americans don't have the right to masturbate, well, Craig Mazin was there too.

Now, masturbating in a dorm room is not a crime. Nor it is a moral failing. It's something that most college students need to reckon with during their matrriculation, if you'll pardon the expression. They have to deal with it on an ethical, logistical, and basic human courtesy level. But Ted Cruz isn't just any former college student. He's a former college student who aspires to be, or pretends to be, Ted Cruz, creepy Christian Dominionist and America's next theocrat. So a charge of Ivy League onanism resonates much more richly when it's laid upon him, again, if you'll pardon the expression. Thanks, Craig Mazin. We don't want to think of Ted Cruz masturbating, but for the good of America, we have to.


And finally, I want to give a sincere shoutout to America's Satanists and pornmongers for their agendas of political activism. Satanists are actively fighting theocracy and defending the separation of church and state by putting up Satanic statues and just basically asking for Satanism to be included any time some Christian asshole tries to install Christianity as the official government religion while lying about how they want to install Christianity as the official religion. And porn sites are funding charities, and in the case of XHamster, blocking all Internet traffic from North Carolina to protest their anti-LGBT "bathroom bill".

And that's one way I know I'm living in the future. Sure, a lot of things suck, but there's something strangely comforting about knowing the Satanists and pornmongers are society's good guys. And the best part is, from everything we now know, if they wanted, they could probably team up to take down Ted Cruz.