Three Bills And A Little Lady

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Memo to Bill O'Reilly, Bill Clinton, and the Clinton-DeBlasio duo: YOU ARE DUMB.

Racism! we all know it's dead, gone, and nonexistent, but for some reason, in its place is some new thing that treats non-white people as if they're less than human but, as anyone engaging in it will tell you, is in no way racism. The one thing they have in common, other than, you know, both actually being racism? They're both the result of IDIOTS SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“But how are you going to get jobs for them? Many of them are ill-educated and have tattoos on their foreheads, and I hate to be generalized about it, but it's true. If you look at all the educational statistics, how are you going to get jobs for people who aren't qualified for jobs?” - Bill O'Reilly, talking to Donald Trump about black people.

If you're in a conversation with Donald Trump, and he's not the racist one, you need to take a serious look at your life choices. Of course, the list of things that should have made Bill O'Reilly take a long, hard look at his life choices by now is long, sordid, and littered with a mix of Middle Eastern food and sponges. So I can't imagine he'll start now.

But really, Bill? The least believable thing in that entire sentence was that you "hate to be generalized about it". If you didn't love to generalize, and yes, you're welcome for me fixing your weird sentence structure, then not only have you picked the wrong line of work, you're also the world's greatest actor, because every time I've seen you generalize, you enjoy the shit out of it. Doubly so when you generalize about minorities. Also, forehead tattoos? I didn't think anything could top the time he was surprised black people used forks, but this may do it.

"I don’t know how you would characterize the gang leaders who got 13-year-old kids hopped up on crack and sent them out on the street to murder other African American children. Maybe you thought they were good citizens, She didn’t.” - Bill Clinton, defending his wife's support for the Clinton-era crime bill and use of terms like "superpredators".

Every single person in the media, news AND entertainment, needs to be issued a device that will, at a minimum, plays the audio of Bill Clinton teeing off against Black Lives Matter protesters, and using the phrase "hopped up on crack". If it can play the video too, that'd be even better. Oh, and the device MUST be used every time anyone, anywhere, makes the joke that Bill Clinton was our first black president. Because he wasn't. He was an old white guy from Arkansas, and he clings to his 90s-era beliefs about African-Americans and crime just like an old white guy from Arkansas.

This should also put the rest to the argument, an argument I've believed in for a long time, that the crime bill was a result of Clintonian triangulation and acceding to Republican framing in order to be seen as a moderate and not be accused of being "soft on crime". But make no mistake, Bill Clinton's defense is the defense of a man that absolutely believed in the racist framing of the 90s crime wave, and still does. Let's hope Hillary still doesn't, since we all have to vote for her in November.

“Thanks for the endorsement, Bill. Took you long enough.” “Sorry, Hillary. I was running on CP time,” - Bill DeBlasio and Hillary Clinton in a sketch at a fundraising dinner.

OK, technically, this isn't about racism. The sketch went on to reveal that "CP time" wasn't the commonly understood "colored people time", but rather "cautious politician time". Get it? Here's the thing. You've gotta find and watch the clip of this sketch, because no text description can can convey how truly awkward and awful it was. You know when a politician is half of a comedy sketch and is awful and the comedian half is left to carry the sketch on their own? Well, this sketch had no comedians in it, and it was an awful idea to begin with, and it was delivered with all the verve and fluidity of an illiterate working off cue cards.

This sketch is so bad that it automatically calls into question the judgment of every single person involved in it. Not because it plays off a racial stereotype, but because in the history of politics, this or anything like it has never, ever, ever been a good idea. It's the comedy equivalent of invading Afghanistan. It never works, there's always horrible bombing involved, yet people continue to try it thinking that this is the time it's going to pay off. No. Stop it. Stop both things, but stop the sketches first, because ultimately, they cause more suffering.