Taking Sides

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Memo to half of the following pairs: YOU ARE DUMB.

I have a lot more to catch up on than usual, for various reasons, so today isn't just a SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAy, it's a Lightning Round. Time to take sides.

Hillary Clinton vs. Bernie Sanders

Normally, I'd say Bernie, but after last week's debate, I'm going to briefly give the nod to Hillary. I like Bernie, but if he can't keep his particular brand of left-wing white male privilege in fucking check, you shouldn't be running for President. The progressive line on gender and race has moved a bit past empathetic condescenscion, finter-wagging at women and talk of "the ghetto". And yes, you're old. But if you can't adjust your worldview, there will come a point where you stop being helpful.

Civil War vs. Dawn of Justice

Please. This isn't even a fair fight. Zach Snyder's over-stuffed, over-long, over-dark pile of steaming crap vs. a classic, "unrealistic" Spider-Man costume? The MCU gets it. Deadpool got it. There is no shame in making a comic book movie like a comic book. Why doesn't anyone else get that?

Trump Supporters Vs. Trump Protesters

Obviously, Trump supporters, like the cowboy-behatted pigfucker who sucker-punched a black protester and later said, "the next time we see him, we might have to kill him", are a problem. But the much bigger problem are the enablers, the pundits, the right-wing shitheel racists that normalize this kind of violence by blaming the victim and encouraging the pigfucker masses. So they're both better than, say, Jeffrey Lord at CNN, who doesn't deserve to get the shit kicked out of him by an audience member, no matter what it might do for his atrophied empathy.

The Men's Rights Movement vs. The Matrix

With this week's announcement that both people who directed The Matrix are trans women, I'm tempted to wonder how the Men's Rights movement, who've adopted a piece of The Matrrix mythology as their own, handles the cognitive dissonance of their favorite red pill / blue pill metaphor coming from a couple of broads. But cognitive dissonance requires cognition, so they're probably fine with it.

Virginia Lawmakers Vs. Raw Milk

I'm generally for the limited legal availability of raw milk. I'd probably never drink the stuff, mind you, but if people who understand the risk want to make deals with small, regulated dairy farms for the pure uncut stuff, that's fine by me. But when a bunch of glibertarian lawmakers in Virginia pass a bunch of raw milk around and then get sick off it, well, actually, I'm still on the side of the raw milk, because the raw milk pulled off a great prank.

Jim Webb Vs. Democratic Orthodoxy

I'm not a particularly huge fan of orthodoxy, but if you're Jim Webb, an ostensible Democrat, and you're saying you'd vote for Trump before you'd vote for Hillary, all you're doing is giving cover to "blue collar Democrats", a.k.a. "closet racists", to give in to their baser instincts and jump on the Trump xenophobia bandwagon. Kindly go and fuck yourself.