Bio Hazards, Part Two

« March 2016 »

Memo to Return of Kings' Writers: SELF-AWARENESS. LOOK INTO IT.

It's long past time for another round of Bio Hazards, the sub-topic of Men's Rights Mondays where we look at the ridiculous writer bios posted by the fine, upstanding trash-can-fires that pen barely legible testilisticle on the Superfund website Return Of Kings.

First up, proving that even the ones who try to keep it simple can't quite manage it. Rod Berne, whose name sounds like a venereal disease from 1870, claims that he is "a student, writer, and thought criminal". Given what I've seen on the site and the general reputation of online universities, I'm betting all three of those things are delusional aspirations.

I'm pretty sure it was David Garrett Brown's bio that originally led me to realize that these bios would be a rich, throbbing vein of comedy to mine. This is culled from a run-of-the-mill Breitbart-lite article about the media not treating the crazy Muslim woman who beheaded a kid as evidence of an organized jihadi plot to overthrow America:

"David is a life observer - but also a doer! He uses a multitude of profitable, challenging and downright bizarre experiences from his life to further himself and inspire others."

This isn't the only bio that sounds like a bot that searches the author bios of self-help books on Amazon and assembles words based on a loose understanding of grammar. This is the dark side of the modern age of self-publishing, people. If David Garrett Brown had to sell people on his inspiring bizarre profitable life experiences in order to eat, he'd either learn to turn a phrase or learn to burn some fries.

And finally, a goddamned essay of a bio from Jon Bergeron, attached to an article reposted from the Return of Kings archives. Since the Return of Kings process seems to have the same ten guys rewrite the same six articles every three days, I'm not sure why they bothered reposting "Why Modern Leftists Are Fascists" when they could get some volunteer to crank out 1,000 words misunderstading both modern leftism and fascism to the same effect, but anyway, let's break this shit down.

"Jon is a part time misanthrope, full time American. Jon loathes modern academia, art, culture, literature, politics, television, and everything on god's green earth that has been inundated with boring, predictable, impotent, vapid Cultural Marxist horseshit which, mind you, is totally void of a single individual thought. Jon just realized he is a full time misanthrope. Anyways, Jon prays for this to change one day and something new to come along. Until then, Jon remains pessimistic with a loaded .357 next to his bed."

I see what you did there with the misanthrope thing. With wit like that, you're practically the Oscar Wilde of Return of Kings, a position I had previously thought was held by the member of the community who had the idea to actually take a shit in the punch bowl instead of coming in the front door with a previously-acquired shit in his hands and asking "where's the punch bowl?"

As for the long list of things he hates, well, give me an obnoxious Whole Foods liberal any day of the weak. They'll just ell me "Oh, I don't watch TV." And I can extricate myself after six syllables. "Cultural Marxism" is six syllables all on its own, and that comes five minutes into the conversation, when you've already tried to excuse yourself three times and are desperately looking to catch the eye of someone, anyone, you know or can reasonably pretend to know.

Anyway, Bergeron's last article, "Why Hillary Clinton's Socialist Manifesto Shows Why Women Shouldn't Be Involved In Politics", was posted under two months ago, so the weight of Cultural Marxism probably hasn't led him to use his bedside .357 for its ideal purpose. He's probably still just using it as a Fleshlight.