Bio Hazards, Part One

« February 2016 »

Memo to Return of Kings writers: TO THINE OWN SELF, MAKE UP SOME BULLSHIT.

If you think I'm going to skip Men's Rights Monday for the Scalia shitshow, you're sadly mistaken. The battle over that racist turdbag's replacement was ugly right out of the gate, and will last for months, if not longer. There will be plenty of time to cover Obama trying to find a perfectly acceptable justice and Congress rejecting them on no grounds whatsoever because they can. We'll see if they pay a political price for it.

But today will be the first in a series of explorations of Return of Kings author bios, which are, almost universally, unintentional hilarity of the higest order. One thing this project requires is a keen sense of "funny", "intended to be funny", and most importantly, "thinks it's being funny", but luckily, unlike barely concealed sadness and loneliness, subtlety is not a prerequisite for writing for Return of Kings

First up, the author of "6 Lessons For Building Your Body And Mind". I provide the titles for your additional amusement, of course. Larsen Halleck, which does not sound like a pseudonym, starts right out the gate by describing himself as a "physical culturist", which I can only assume is a fancy way of saying "yogurt juggler". He's also a "martial artist", which means he calls his basement his "dojo".

As for "musician, writer, and cartoonist", I'm going to go with "owns a guitar and a copy of Garage Band", "Return of Kings blogger", and "draws porn" respectively. But those are just guesses. And why mock with guesses when you can go straight to "a man of many talents and moderate wages corresponding to said talents."

I've tried parsing that half a dozen times, and cannot for the life of me figure out if it's a brag, a brag tempered with humility, or a brag being fake-tempered with humility to make it even more of a brag. So much for the claim of being a writer. We conclude Larsen Halleck's final note, that "he blogs about a multitude of subjects at The Barbaric Gentleman". Because of course he does. These Grouchspawn have such lofty delusions about what they are.

The bio of one "John Hydenius" is made up almost entirely of a delusion all too common amongst both the wingnut and Men's Rights populations. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He would love to tell you more about himself. If people found out who he was, though, he would lose all of his Swedish friends and probably end up on a list of enemies of the state. He can't wait to move abroad."

Since he lives in Sweden, I can only assume "abroad" means like Oklahoma or Dubai or some shit where he can stop pretending not to be a retrograde member of the Landfill Country Club. If you can't find friends who won't find your views repugnant, "John", then man the fuck up and don't have friends. Lying to people so that they'll like you may well be a founding credo of the pickup artist lobe of the Men's Right's dick-shaped Venn diagram, but it's still the hallmark of the desperate and insecure.

As for the STATE, the state doesn't give a shit about you. You're not a threat to the state. If douchebag bloggers were a threat to the state, the world would have fallen into anarchy two weeks after the invention of the dial-up modem. Just because you think the "5 Things I Will Teach My Future Son" is transgressive and dangerous (and not just blithely optimistic) because you'll teach him the contradictory notions of "beat up other kids" and "lose in order to win" doesn't mean world governments are actually going to take notice.

These, honestly, are just the tip of the iceberg. The amuse-douches, if you will. These guys are, within their particular garbage-based demographic, equipped with a microscopic fraction of restraint and self-awareness that many of the other bios only aspire to. But it's best to ease you into the pool. And I'm going to need this to distract me from the simultaneous election and Supreme Court Justice replacement.