Even More State's Wrongs

« February 2016 »

Memo to the Cruz Campaign, Ken Weyler, and Tommy Benton: YOU ARE DUMB.

Fun little fact. The kind of rhetoric that's making the 2016 presidential campaign such a toxic shitshow didn't spring unbidden from the forehead of Zeus. It bubbled up to the surface through a series of colonesque conduits, and one such conduit is the lowly state legislator. State legislators have gotten a lot of space in this column, for obvious reasons, and to this day, they continue their journey from "guy near the water cooler you give a wide berth to so you won't hear what he's saying" to "person helping to write laws despite being functionally illiterate and reciting Rush Limbaugh diatribes phonetically". Two such examples make up the bulk of today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I'd like to thank Ted Cruz for blatantly cheating in the Iowa caucuses and getting away with it. Cruz staffers, and I don't have to say "allegedly", because Cruz has admitted to this while minimizing it, but Cruz staffers tried to convince Carson supporters that Carson was going to drop out of the race so they'd switch to Cruz. Whether they simply passed along a CNN story, as Cruz claims, or passed it along with extra emphasis, nobody knows. How big an effect it had, nobody knows.

But what's great about it is that it continues the single best trend of the 2016 Republican primary. Republicans having to deal with the kind of bullshit from Republicans that the rest of us have to deal with in general elections. Dishonest ads, election day chicanery, personal attacks, even racism, sexism, and attacks on their citizenship and the legitimacy of their religious beliefs. They won't learn anything from it, but it's fun to watch them suffer.

A special nod today to Ken Weyler, who, even by the standards of state representativies, and even by the standards of New Hampshire state representatives, is a huge, gaping prolapsed asshole. Because this week, he testified that giving public assistance to Muslims is "aiding and abetting the enemy" and "treason". I guess nobody told him that Obama visited a mosque so all the assholes have to change their minds about Muslims now.

And because this asshole is of such a prodigious diameter, he even takes into account the fact that there exist non-violent Muslims. He explained, using the aphorism "The Devil makes work for idle hands", that collecting public benefits and not working will in fact turn Muslims into terrorists out of, I guess, the sheer amount of time on their hands. So even if all it takes to become a New Hampshire state representative is four cases of beer and four neighbors who can learn how to spell your name with some coaching, Ken Weyler is a special kind of awful.

And while we're talking about state representatives with unnecessarily excessive rectal carrying capacities, I might as well mention Georgia peach Tommy Benton, who is defending the Ku Klux Klan against charges that it's racist, because why the hell not, it's 2016 and being wronger about shit than anyone else has become our national pastime.

He claims that the Klan was much more about vigilantism to maintain law and order than about race. I'm not sure why that's better, unless he's pitching a "Grand Wizard" TV series where a Klansman fights crime in Alaska, where his outfit provides suitable camouflage. Vigilantism is not actually a good thing outside of fiction. But Benton said the Klan "set a lot of people straight". That is not strictly accurate. Gravity set a lot of people straight. The Klan just enabled gravity to do that by tying those people's necks to trees.