Hooray For Governors!

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Memo to Paul LePage, Peter Steele, and Paul LePage: YOU ARE DUMB.

You know what I've missed? The wonderful dance of a politician saying something horrible, eveyone agreeing that he said something horrible, and then the politician's clumsy backpedaling and pseudo-apology trying to pretend they didn't say something horrible. Donald Trump has stolen this from me, with every other GOP candidate following his lead and just stopping at "saying something horrible". Luckily, the Trump Method has not filtered down to staate government, where IDIOTS still are made to feel bad for SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty . . . these types of guys . . . they come from Connecticut and New York, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home. Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.” - Maine governor Paul LePage, getting to the root of the problem.

Setting aside, as best we can, the racial component of LePage's remarks, someone needs to really take LePage aside and tell him that it's 2015, and even in Maine, women have a certain amount of sexual agency. His use of "impregnation" as a thing that happens to people who are otherwise just going around living their normal white lives is actually more retrograde than his drug dealer names, which he apparently learned from a 1994 after-school special.

And while we're at it, how fucking provincial do you have to be to have CONNECTICUT as one of your go-to hives of scum and villainy? I mean, Boston's right there. I know you don't want to be mean to them because you identify with their long-standing tradition of racism, but I bet there's a lot of drug dealers in Boston. Just saying. Also, while I'm here? Never, ever use the phrase "white girls" in a political speech. Trust me on this one.

""The governor is not making comments about race. Race is irrelevant.” - LePage spokesman and totally not a gay porn star Peter Steele, asking everyone to kindly look at the root of this other problem over here.

Um, no. LePage's comments weren't only about race, they were so about race they're a specific catalogued type of comment about race that dates back to nearly every golden age racism has had in America. Fear of black people having sex with white women and making, to use a Nugentism, mongrel babies. Also, he used the phrase "white girls", which makes it about race becuase he mentions a race in it.

Oh, and of course LePage tried to claim he wan't think ing of any specific race when he used the name "D-Money". And if you find that plausible, I've got a tanker-full of Flint tap water I can sell you. Real cheap. Even if this were LePage's first foray into racism (it's not) and assholery (not by a long shot), he wouldn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, and if Chris Christie had any support left to lose, his backing LePage on this ought to cost him all of it.

"I may have made many slip-ups. I was going impromptu in my brain, didn't catch up to my mouth. Instead of saying, 'Maine women,' I said, 'White women.' I'm not going to apologize to the Maine women for that because if you go to Maine you will see we are essentially 95 percent white." - Maine governor Paul LePage, knowing he can find the root of the problem if he just keeps digging.

This doesn't help. First, nobody's asking him to apologize to Maine women, even though he should, because of the whole sexual agency thing. Nor is pointing out Maine's lack of racial diversity a defense. The only honest thing in this entire sstatement is his admission in regards to the actual speed of his brain, which we didn't need, because we have his original comment for that.

Clearly, LePage is having a tough time figuring out what he did wrong. In that spirit, may I suggest that, should this pontifigurd not blow over in due time, that he tell everyone he's just concerned about the scourge of Mainescegenation, in which people not from Maine have sex with people from Maine and dilute the pure Maine bloodline with their Other Parts Of New England filth? Wouldn't want to ruin the purity of a bunch of shivering, maple-soaked lobster-humpers, after all.