Feelin' Randy

« April 2015 »

Memo to Rand Paul, Rand Paul's Pastor Friend, and Rand Paul's Webmaster: YOU ARE DUMB.

I encourage the apparent trend of Republicans announcing their presidential bids on Tuesdays, with plenty of time for me to use their announcement for IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. But with Rand Paul bringing his brand of bog-standard wingnuttism with the serial numbers filed off and "Libertarian" written on it in crayon to the presidential field, we'll take a different tack than with Cruz, and examine some of the mistakes surrounding the announcement.

"Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.” - United States Senator Rand Paul, who spends most of his time in Washington, D.C.

Now, it's true that Rand Paul is by no means the first Washington politician to run on the principle that Washington politicians are sub-human slime-monsters who must be stopped at all costs. Nor is he the first insider and son of an insider to tell everyone that he's totally an outsider.

But you've got to admire the incredibly ham-handed, clumsy way he does it. "Defeat the Washington machine" sounds like the shittiest Terminator: Genisys tie-in since Wrestlemania. And of course there's a lot of glibertarian bullshit encoded in the phrase "Unleash the American Dream". The people stealing the American Dream from you want you to think government's just holding it out of your reach. Rand's going to be hilarious.

"In five years we’ll find out what his real religion is,”" - Rev. Jerry Stephenson, moments after the announcement where he was chosen to rally the crowd for Rand Paul.

This is the thing that will be simultaneously great and horrifying about the 2016 GOP primary. There simply aren't enough sane people in and around the Republican candidates to staff all their campaigns and all their assistants and all their local help withouut running into dozens, if not hundreds, of conspiracy theorists, racists, and other garden-variety nutjobs. So quotes like this willl be everywhere for the next year.

So, will the sheer quantity of these assholes overwhelm the relatively microscopic ability of any one of them to cause a campaign serious problems just by associating with them? Probably not. But we can at least hope that, as in years past, the cumulative weight might continue to tip the public image of the Republican Party as a bunch of nutjobs, and that will help a bit in the general election. Maybe.

"Rand Paul Opposes A One-Size-Fits-All Approach To Eductation" - Rand Paul's brand new campaign website.

Now, as someone who puts stuff up on the web on a regular basis, I'm sensitive to criticism about typos. They happen. They're difficult to spot. But when you're running for president, I expect a higher standard of you and your staff.

Now, that standard is not "no typos". That would be ridiculous, unfair, and hypocritical. But if you can't manage to avoid COMICALLY IRONIC TYPOS in your goddamned headlines, then I start to question your basic political competency. I mean, I sort of understand their other big launch day blunder - retweeting someone's Photoshopped picture of Aurora theater shooter James Holmes "holding up" an I Stand With Rand sign. I don't know if I'd recognize a picture of James Holmes either. But I know how bad an extra "t" in "education" looks.