Pudding Brains

« November 2014 »

Memo to Don Lemon, Bill Cosby, and Rand Paul: YOU ARE BELATEDLY DUMB.

Sorry for the content gap this week, folks. I've had to spend all my time preparing for the post-Constitutional American hellscape unleashed last night by Obama's executive orders on immigration. And I know that, by posting this column in English instead of Mexican, I'm already running afoul of the Obama imperial regime, but Google Translate does a horrible job with IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, so I'll just have to risk it.

"As I am a victim myself, I would never want to suggest that any victim could have prevented a rape. If my question to her struck anyone as insensitive, I am sorry as that certainly was not my intention." - CNN's Don Lemon, once again proving the importance of paying attention to the word "if".

Don Lemon didn't want to suggest that a victim could have prevented rape, which is certainly an admirable stance. It's also a stance that raises an interesting question. If he would never want to suggest that, why did he ask one of Bill Cosby's accusers why she didn't just bite his dick if she didn't want to blow him.

Because really, that's the kind of question that will definitely strike people as insensitive. It did in fact strike a lot of people as insensitive, which is why he had to sort of apologize for it. And insist that it wasn't his intention. So his intention must have been one of the dozens of other intentions that question naturally brings to mind. Like... like... well, I'm sure Don Lemon could think of dozens if anyone asked him that followup question. Which they won't, because they never do.

"I would appreciate it if it was scuttled. I think if you want to consider yourself to be serious, that it will not appear anywhere." - Bill Cosby, to a reporter I hope kept a coaster over his drink.

Now, I'm not going to start this by saying I believe Bill Cosby drugged and raped over a dozen women over the course of the past few decades. That would be a rush to judgment, and it wouldn't be anywhere near as funny as the Internet's collective rush to judgment after Bill Cosby's social media guy suggested that the Internet go ahead and "meme" the comedian. That was pretty awesome.

But I will say this. If you don't want people to think you drugged and raped over a dozen women over the course of the past few decades, there are better ways to go about it than a subtle threat to a reporter and the use of a pirate term for wrecking a ship so that nobody else can use it, all over a quote of Cosby saying he wasn't going to comment on the allegations. Oh, there is one worse way to go about it. Do all this while you're being filmed. Oh, wait. Cosby was being filmed. If Cosby didn't want his words being used, he was really supposed to obtain consent on that first. Oh, now I see the problem.

"I don't think there has been anybody who has been a bigger defender of minority rights in the Congres than myself.” - Rand Paul, who could have stopped after the third word and been a lot more accurate.

Just no, Rand. Just no.

This is glibertarian delusion at its finest. You can go on the record as saying that libertarianism means being able to fire black people because they're black. You can have neo-Nazis and Confederate fetishists on your staff. But if you're a libertarian, you're a bigger defender of everybody's rights than anybody, because that's what libertarians think they are, even though "everybody's rights" actually means a specific subset of everybody and a specific subset of rights. In other words, "libertarianism" is once again a weird pronunciation of "asshole".