Appreciating The Classics

« June 2014 »

Memo to Johnny Rhoda, Rick Perry, and Steve King: YOU ARE DUMB.

Classics are classics for a reason. They're timeless. Evergreen. Pristine examples of the form. It's true of most art forms, and while stupidity is more of a craft than an art, it certainly has its own classics. Let's get right into it. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"That comment was taken way out of context. It certainly was not meant in a threatening or hostile way at all. It was just a comment. Perhaps I used the wrong word.” - Arkansas district party chairman Johnny Rhoda, saying that thing that always portends ill.

"Out of context" and "not meant as a threat" are always classic indicators of an asshole saying something in mixed company he usually says around his buddies down at the pig-fucking pen, and Rhoda is no exception. He told the Business Insider that if Hillary Clinton tried to run for president in Arkansas, "she'd probably get shot at the state line".

What Rhoda doesn't seem to realize that his explanation actually makes things worse. Because if "she'd probably get shot" wasn't meant as a threat, then it was meant as a warning. A warning that the state she served as gubernatorial First Lady is chock full of violent, politician-murdering rednecks. Which is sort of true, but that's also a very difficult thing to pretend isn't hostile at all. Because it seems pretty fucking hostile.

"I’m more Jewish than you think I am. I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God’s chosen people.” - Rick Perry, making me wish he was right.

Republicans, please prove Rick Perry correct. Make him one of the chosen people. Choose him for your presidential candidate. The dumbfuckery, malapropisms, and oopsies will be legendary. And if he wins, and we invade Iraq again, I can just find-and-replace for Bush and have dozens of columns ready to go.

He said this, by the way, to a Jewish reporter in a Jewish deli, who, to his credit, did not laugh openly in Perry's face. Me, I would have shoved matzoh balls in his eye sockets, given him a pastrami enema, and made sure he was served too much tuna, safe in the knowledge that he wouldn't get it, because he's Rick Perry, and "getting it" ain't on his resume.

"Obama raids Redskins by weaponizing USPTO. Cancels Redskins logo! Free people will not tolerate a Kim Jong POTUS." - Steve King, standing outside my window with a boombox.

No, Steve. You can't be America's Stupidest Congresscritter again. You're starting to sound desperate. "Kim Jong POTUS"? Over a racist football team? Were Kim Jong Il or his kid particularly brutal to sports franchises?

Anyway, trademark law has, for a very long time, prohibited racial slurs as trademarks, which is why Rick Perry had to change the name of his ranch. So, for the second time, the trademark office has determined that "Redskins" is a racial slur, because it is, and therefore can't be trademarked. So, off to the gulags, everyone! It's not like there's an appeals process that's inexplicably succeeded once before and has already been taken advantage of. That would be totally counter to an Obama-led weaponization of bureaucracy.