I Got Yer Tortured Metaphor Right Here

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Memo to Mark Driscoll, Rick Perry, and Louie Gohmert: YOU ARE DUMB AND FUNNY.

Jesus! Dude has a certain amount of solid ideas and decent actions attributed to him, and also a lot of mythical bullshit and general purpose bullshit. There's no denying that if Jesus has any superpower at all, it's not healing the sick, it's making IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Now, some of you may have heard we’re a Reformed church. Don’t Google it, don’t blow your head up. We love Jesus, read your Bible, stay off the Internet. It’s all shenanigans anyways.” - Mars Hill pastor Mark Driscoll, leading his flock.

In some ways, Marc Driscoll and I are kindred spirits. After all, as I've said many times in the past, and especially around April Fools Day, the Internet tells you lies, because it thinks that's funny. There's not a huge difference between that and "shenanigans". Well, a couple of decades, culturally. But mine's not exactly a new fucking reference.

There are, of course, a few differences between me and a megachurch pastor from Orange County. I advocate reading the Internet like reading everything else - with a critical eye and a fucking clue. He advocates not reading it at all. I'm protecting you from being lied to. He's protecting you from possibly reading about various scandals that may or may not be embroiling certain Orange County megachurches. Mostly plagiarism and financial stuff, from what I could find in the World Shenanigans Web. But, you know, tomato, embattled tomahto.

"You know, I don’t know. The fact is, we’ll leave that to the psychologists and the doctors.” - Rick Perry, on CNBC, after being asked whether being gay is a choice.

Driving electric cars, wearing trendy sunglasses, deciding to abide by the consensus of the scientific community? Who are you, and which barbecue joint in Austin is currently passing off the real Rick Perry as pulled pork?

I'm kidding, of course. Mostly about the abiding by the consensus of the scientific community. He can say, "let's leave that to the psychologists", but if he actually did that, he wouldn't say "I don't know", he'd say gay people are born gay and can't change their orientation, because that's what the psychologists say. But that's not what you say, for three reasons. Saying it would piss off his base, saying the opposite would make him seem less like a moderate, and... I forget. Oops.*

"Do you believe in sharing the good news that will keep people from going to hell, consistent with the Christian beliefs?" - America's Stupid Congresscritter Louie Gohmert, furthering religious freedom.

Now, there are a number of places Louie Gohmert could have said this and escaped inclusion into ISTDT. In church, for example. At some kind of comparative religion symposium. His garage. Hanging by his ankles neck-deep in loose shit. What I'm trying to say is, the man had options.

But of course, Louie Gohmert being Gohmert, he chose to ask a witness that question during a House committee hearing on religious freedom. Because Louie Gohmert is an irony sweatshop so lacking in self-awareness it thinks it's paying workers a living wage to assemble platinum iPhone 7s.