Render Unto Cesar What Is Fistler's

« June 2014 »

Memo to Cesar Chavez: GO FISTLER YOURSELF.

The great myth about American Exceptionalism is that, well, we're better than everyone else. We work harder (even though we don't), we're a shining beacon of freedom (not freedom from secret facial recognition spying), and when we succeed, we succeed on our merits.

Which brings us to Cesar Chavez. Not the beloved labor leader, no. This is Cesar Chavez née Scott Fistler, an Arizona Republican who somehow couldn't manage to win election to congress in 2012 or city council last year despite being a Republican in Arizona. Named Scott Fistler.

Fistler is running in a heavily Hispanic congressional district, so he did what any American exceptionalist would do. He changed his party to Democrat, changed his name to a beloved Hispanic figure, grabbed a bunch of Hugo Chavez campaign images off Google for his website that conveniently omit the first name, and is now going to, as best as I can tell, hide from everyone until November.

This has all the hallmarks of the kind of idea a douchey College Republican thinks of between keg stands and date rapes, tells his buddies about, and then forgets the next morning when he wakes up in a pool of hopefully his own vomit. And, at the risk of being lookist, Chavez' picture bears out this theory.

And so does Chavez' only statement to date, in which he says that because everyone wants to know what the fuck he's doing, he's not going to talk to anyone about what the fuck he's doing. Which he helpfully explained away by saying "There is just simply not enough Cesar Chavez to go around.”

Two things. "Just not enough" or "simply not enough". Never "just simply not enough", you too-hungover-to-go-to-Creative-Writing-101 fuckwit. And second, the problem is clearly the opposite of what you think it is. A veritable unwanted surplus of Cesar Chavezes.

And you know, I understand that we should all be making informed choices in the voting booth. Just like we should be making informed choices in the supermarket, and informed choices in the big box store, and informed choices about our energy providers and use, and informed choices about fucking everything. Caveat emptor, caveat votor.

But one of the reasons fraud is illegal is because we don't expect the free market and individual choice to guard ourselves at all times against liars and cheats. We have laws against rat poison levels in M&Ms because it's better when people can trust candy and not have to do your own digging to see how much rat poison there may or may not be in different brands.

And even though this is clearly an attempt at fraud, it is somehow completely legal. Maybe because Congress thought nobody would be this big of a douchebag, which is odd, because I know those douchebags in Congress have access to mirrors.

We can hope that this desperate frat-boy ploy will fail, that the former Fistler will crash and burn like he has in his last two attempts at avoiding real work. But I think we need more on the line than that. I think we allow anyone seeking elected office to change their name to whatever they want, but if they lose, they then have their name legally changed. To Trash Boat. Forever.