Schadenfreude Schadenfreude Dick Joke

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Memo to Phil Mickelson, Michael Grimm, and Glenn Beck: YOU ARE DUMB AND FUNNY.

Today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS is sixty-seven percent schadenfreude by weight, in case you're watching your intake. The rest it is taken up by Glenn Beck, in case you're watching your intake of that as well. I'm watching my outgive of Glenn Beck, but he wandered into some of my prime territory, so I pulled him out of the penalty box for a few minutes.

"It's not going to change the way I carry myself. Honestly, I've done nothing wrong. I'm not going to walk around any other way.” - Anti-tax golf asshole Phil Mickelson, who may have done something wrong.

Phil Mickelson is being accused of insider trading. Phil Mickelson, who made all kinds of noise about getting to keep his HARD-EARNED MONEY, has been accused of earning his money easily. And illegally. Through insider training. In Clorox.

And if you don't think that's the funniest thing you've read all week, I want to know what you've been reading. He's a Republican, which is pretty white. He's a golfer, which is REALLY white. And if he gets busted for insider trading, THE WHITEST OF WHITE ON WHITE CRIME, on a company that makes bleach, because apparently he wasn't white enough. That's comedy white gold.

"There's no question: I've been vilified by the press since the day I got here. From the very beginning they had to figure out how to get rid of this guy." - New York congressman Michael Grimm, who's definitely done at least one thing wrong, and has been indicted on doing 20 other things wrong, putting the blame where it counts.

First of all, if the media were out to get Michael Grimm, it would be out of self-preservation. This is the man who threatened to throw a New York One reporter off a balcony, after all. After the State of the Union address, because that's the kind of event that riles up the emotions. Just ask Joe Wilson.

And second of all, if the media really wanted to get you, they'd just work up some video of you leaving a brothel or something. You know who would come up with the idea of framing you for under-reporting income and wages to your undocumented employees in your health food restaurants in order to avoid paying taxes? Nobody. That's nobody's fake scheme. That sounds like a real scheme to me.

"The idea here is they are teaching you to hack and then become the ultimate voyeur in other people's lives, including their bedrooms, by hacking into their phones and everything. This game is teaching people to hack into whatever is docked in your bedroom. What the heck is wrong with us? What are we thinking? We are inviting this into our home and our lives. We are teaching our kids for entertainment purposes." - Glenn Beck, doing something wrong, and somehow doing something incredibly right.

This is how irrelevant Glenn Beck has become. When he's not making parody videos about how women lie about being raped, he's railing against video games ruining society. And not even a video game like Mortal Kombat, which at least has the common indecency to rip spines out of bodies and actually be offensive if you find cartoon violence offensive. No, Glenn Beck's worried about what Watch Dogs is teaching our kids about hacking.

Now, ignore for a second the fact that "hacking" in Watch Dogs consists of pressing the "hack" button to hack things, and therefore kids playing this game could learn to "hack" a light switch to toggle whether a room has light in it or not. What I want to know is what Glenn Beck's worried about people learning by hacking into his iPhone dock, which I guarantee is a four-year-old Bose permanently tuned to whatever local station Rush Limbaugh is on.

I mean, what's the old saying? If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to worry about? Is he worried that his new iPhone 5s finally has the camera resolution and HDR image quality for the world to see his penis? I think that's exactly the kind of society-shaking information leak Watch Dogs should be teaching our kids to seek out.