A Dream, Given Form, All Alone On The Net

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Memo to Google: I HAVE TO RESPECT YOUR AMBITION.

I wish I believed in benevolent corporations. Really, I do. I mean, I like Google and Apple, for example, but I don't actually want them running things. As awful as government is, at least it's a tiny, hair's-width step removed from the actual pursuit of profit and market share.

But Google's new project is ambitious. It's the stuff of science-fiction. And if it succeeds, it could fundamentally change life on this planet.

And I'm not talking about Calico, Google's project to extend the human lifespan. I mean, that's important, sure. Mainly because it's a vital first step into allowing Google's people to live long enough to accomplish their really big, really world-changing project. ACTUAL PROJECT TIME!

"Comments on YouTube videoes can be a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Now Google is arming uploaders with Google+ comment moderation powers." - subhead on a CNET story about the program.

Google wants to make YouTube comments better, and make Google+ relevant. At the same time. Forget all that tough stuff Ted Cruz talked about in his fake filibuster. This is like the Apollo program crossed with the Manhattan Project crossed with teaching Guy Fieri to act civilized. If you've done three impossible things before breakfast, you're completely fucking unqualified to work on this project.

Do you have any idea what it takes to become LEGENDARY for having the worst comments on the Internet? I mean, you have some idea, but one thing nobody ever does, is multiply the awfulness of the YouTube comment threads they've actually seen by the number of videos on YouTube. THINK ABOUT IT.

They say 100 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube every minute. Think of the sheer man-hours involved in watching that, then typing "fuk u fagot" and hitting "post". And Google thinks they can stop it with Google+? Google+'s only power is to gradually stop people from using it due to attrition and boredom.

In other words, they're attempting to carve a toothpick out of a petrified redwood using half a box of Magic Erasers. They're going to need immortality in order to pull it off, and only then by denying immortality to anyone who comments on YouTube. I'm glad they're thinking big, but you know who else thinks big? People with delusions of grandeur.

I wish them the best, of course. Who wouldn't want to live in a world where YouTube comments have value? I'd say it was like wishing for a unicorn that craps rainbows, but we're actually 15 years away from being able to 3-D print that, so I'm right the fuck out of analogies.