You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Vaginas, Strategies, Giving Birth
Memo to Peter Hansen, Peter Hansen, and Dennis Guth: YOU ARE DUMB.
It's that time again! The usual Wednesday space is frequently taken up by state legislators, because state legislatures are a common breeding ground for wingnuttius insanidentiae. And today we've got a couple more IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, but hopefully never make it to higher office.
"What could possibly be missing from those factual tales of successful retreat in VT, Germany, and the bowels of Amsterdam? Why children and vagina’s [sic] of course." - New Hampshire State Rep. Peter Hansen, trying in two ways to improve the GOP's image as male-dominated and failing at both.
It's kind of a shame, really. I mean, he was objecting to the lack of mention of women and children in tales of retreat, which is almost noble. And even though he called women "vagina's", meaning "vaginas", that actually is an improvement over Republican state legislators in Texas and Iowa, who hate vaginas and instead treat women as just uteruses.
But objectifying women in a crude sexual way instead of an oppressive reproductive freedom way doesn't make you a friend to women. And failing to understand the difference between possessive and plural keeps you from being a friend to grammar, either. Keep rebranding as friendly to women and minorities, Republicans! I'm sure it'll work some century.
"Having a fairly well educated mind I do not need self appointed wardens to A: try to put words in my mouth for political gain and B: Turn a well founded strategy in communication into an insulting accusation, and finally if you find the noun vagina insulting or in some way offensive then perhaps a better exercise might be for you to re-examine your psyche." - Peter Hansen less than 24 hours before a more abject, more traditional, and obviously less sincere apology.
This is such a gloriously obtuse and inappropriately defiant broadside that you almost want to respect it. But words didn't get put in his mouth, he doesn't have a fairly well educated mind, the noun "vagina" is only offensive as a synonym for a thinking human being.
And what "well-founded strategy in communication" is he talking about? I've done a lot of writing. I've seen a lot of communicating. And I can't even begin to imagine what "strategy" he's talking about, unless he considers Little Big Horn, Waterloo, and accidentally shoving a chicken drumstick up one's ass "strategies".
"There are health risks that my family incurs because of the increase of sexually transmitted infections that this lifestyle invites. For example, there are more and more medical tests required before giving blood or giving birth." - Iowa state senator Dennis Guth, giving another example of the kind of idiot-proof logic fueling the anti-gay side of the debate.
First, when it comes to giving blood, there's pretty much just the one extra test that we've been doing for 30 years and we do it to the blood after it's been given, not before, and we do it for straight people, because gay people are still barred by law from donating blood, and anyway, those tests aren't actually a risk your family endures because they are effective.
And since gay people causing women to have extra tests done before giving birth makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever, I'm at a loss at how his family is at risk from gay STDs. Well, I know of one way, but I don't think Dennis Guth would like it. Hint: It involves his entire family having frequent unprotected sex with gay people. Can you guess what it is after that hint? It's his entire family having frequent unprotected sex with gay people.