Baby, Oil

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Memo to Steve Stockman, Exxon, and Steve Kush: YOU ARE DUMB.

Gonna go Deen-free today. Cold turkey. Cold, butter-soaked, deep-fried, marshmallow-wrapped turkey served by an all-black wait staff just like in the good old days. I mean, it's not like there aren't other stupid, awful people out there, right? After all, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted." - Campaign bumper sticker of Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX).

Now, this may seem like an impractical, pithy rejoinder by a brainless embryo-fetishist who gets an erection from the idea of a fetus shooting a Planned Parenthood employee. But I think this may actually be the ultimate culmination of three seemingly unconnected plans.

We know, from fetal personhood amendments, that if the GOP gets their way, fetuses will be able to apply for concealed carry permits. We know, from Stockman's Texas colleague Michael Burgess, that fetuses love reaching between their legs. That's halfway to drawing a gun right there. All we need is a delivery system to get the guns in the hands of the fetuses. That's where those transvaginal ultrasound wands come in. It's all coming together.

"The majority of the impacted wildlife has been reptiles, primarily venomous snakes." - Exxon, explaining why its Arkansas oil spill was great for the environment.

You may not know this, unless you catch the occasional tweet from me referencing it, but it's been a pretty bad year for medium-sized environmental disasters. Like the 200,000 gallons of dirty, dirty, shit oil from Canada that burst out of an Exxon pipeline in Mayflower, Alabama.

And while everyone was glad that the oil didn't spill over something more valuable and useful than Alabama, it's still hundreds of thousands of gallons of nasty, nasty stuff. And animals don't know they live in Alabama. It's not their fault. But Exxon wants you to like them, so they made sure that you knew that the only animals they killed were ones you're scared of. Thanks, Exxon! Keep killing us all slowly.

"Nice hat Working America chick but damn you are a radical bitch." - New Mexico Republican Steve Kush, on Twitter.

Your official background. Kush is the executive director of some shitty New Mexico county Republican group. The representative of Working America became a "radical bitch" in Kush's mind because she was testifying in favor of a higher minimum wage. Oh, and she's a volunteer. And she's 19.

Kush's punishment? A seven-week suspension without pay. Which is pretty harsh, except that it wasn't really without pay. It was just without pay for New Mexico Republicans. He spent the seven weeks working for a PAC in New Jersey, because, hey, what's he gonna do, take a minimum wage job? Nobody can live off that kind of money.