Like A Phoenix From The Asses

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Blame and recrimination fall like a black rain upon the land, and guess who's got it by the bucketload? You Are Dumb Dot Net. Sure, yesterday was a day for quiet introspection, but that shit gets old fast. Today is a day for triumph. Because with at least 130 MILLION AMERICANS placing themselves firmly in the ranks of the dumb, evil, selfish, lazy, or all of the above, and with a statistial exit poll analysis showing that at least 60% of Kerry's voters ain't that bright either, YAD has the clearest mandate in political history.

There are dumbasses in the red states, and pigfuckers in the blue states. We put flame decals on our SUV's and think we're clever in the blue states*, and we fill our meatloaf with Cheetos in the red states. This isn't a Republican America. It sure as hell isn't a Democratic America. It's one America, one dumb, dumb, dumb America that cries out, with a single united voice. That cry? "DUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR-HEY?!"

That stirring speech aside, can I take this moment to pour gasoline on the concepts of "uniting" and "healing" and "bridging the partisan divide" and light them on fire? You think if Kerry had won Ohio, the right would be bridging the jack or uniting the shit? They would not. Democrats and Republicans have one thing in common - their idea of "bipartisanship" is "doing what the Republicans want to do". Fuck that. You're the opposition party again. OPPOSE.

Which segues nicely into the memo I'm issuing today, the one you knew was coming: to the Democratic National Committee: YOU ARE DUMB.

Let's play a quick game of free association. Think of five entities or constructs that could have run a more effective campaign against Dubya than the DNC. Go! Got 'em? Here's mine:

  1. The host and cast of Dungeon Majesty
  2. A dead hamster in a roulette wheel with the numbers replaced by talking points
  3. Siegfried and Roy, even in Roy's current medical condition
  4. An expensive toaster
  5. The Reanimated Corpse of Lawrence Welk

All the DNC had to do was find one guy who could appear to be a viable alternative to the guy who's been ruining things for four years. They fielded a group of nine. Kerry, Edwards, Dean, Clark, Lieberman, Kucinich, Moseley-Braun, Sharpton, Gephardt. You can see the outline of the problem taking shape right there. Six legislators, one governor, one general, and an activist. Gephardt just keeps showing up to these things, Sharpton's got more unwanted baggage than the Denver airport, Moseley-Braun is black and a woman**, if Lieberman weren't Jewish, they'd let him run the Christian Coalition, Kucinich is phonetically reminiscent of Dukakis. That leaves Kerry and Edwards, who couldn't get the fucking job done, Dean, and Clark. And here's where the REAL problem crops up.

The DNC is terrified of letting their candidates be themselves. The DNC also, with the notable exception of Clinton, picks candidates who can't act worth a damn. So they get a rep for being "stiff". And they're stiff because they've been told to act, because the public won't accept them as they are, but they're like Matthew Lillard as Hamlet. Dukakis in a tank. Kerry riding a motorcycle on the Tonight Show. Gore tonguing Tipper to seem spontaneous. People notice the faint waft of bullshit from these stunts, and the root of mistrust begins to grow, ready to be exploited by charges of "serial exaggerator" or "flip-flopper" or "soft on crime". I''ve said this before, but have you SEEN Al Gore this year? Kept away from his handlers and being himself, he's a completely different, much more appealing person. Because he's not trying to act. Clinton deserves a fucking OSCAR. Dubya's the Rain Man of political acting. Barack Obama is either a hell of an actor, or they haven't gotten to him yet.

This is why the DNC has got to be gutted and replaced. They need to come to grips with the simple fact that they are not helping. They're in the way. They're focus-grouping and moderate-baiting the Democrats into oblivion. If they're not replaced, you know what's going to happen in four years, right? These fucks are going to panic, try to return to the glory days of the 90's, and put all their weight behind Hillary. Which will lead to the kind of spanking that'll make 2004 look like the Age of Aquarius. Or the Bolshevik Revolution. As long as they're pulling the strings, we're hosed.

* Actual dumbass suburban mom as seen in the Star Tribune in the last few days, who didn't want to be Just Another SUV, so she put those standard flamey decals on the side. I hate her.

**Of course these shouldn't be flaws, but remember where we live, people.