One! One Gay Athlete! Ha Ha Ha!

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Memo to Chris Broussard, Mike Francesca, and of course, Bryan Fischer: YOU ARE DRIBBLING. FROM YOUR MOUTHS. BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB.

So NBA free agent and center Jason Collins came out of the closet this week, making him the first pro athlete* to come out as gay while still an active player. This is fairly significant, because, well, sports tends to be more reflexively masculine and homophobic than even the military. And speaking of reflexively homophobic, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I offered my personal opinion as it relates to Christianity, a point of view that I have expressed publicly before. I realize that some people disagree with my opinion and I accept and respect that. As has been the case in the past, my beliefs have not and will not impact my ability to report on the NBA." - ESPN's Chris Broussard, pretending to address the concerns of the viewership.

His personal opinion, as it relates to Christianity, was that Collins was "walking in open rebellion to God and Jesus Christ", and that gay people couldn't be Christians. He expressed this opinion to his gay, Christian co-host, LZ Granderson.

Here's the deal. People disagree with your opinion because, well, your opinion is FUCKING AWFUL. That it's allegedly based in religious conviction doesn't make it less awful. That you've held these awful opinions for a long time doesn't make them less awful. And your ability to report on the NBA isn't in question. You're just a shitty human being. I don't know what your statement was intended to address, but since it didn't address your shittiness as a human being, you just wasted everyone's time.

"It means less than nothing to me that there is a gay player now out if the NBA. SI going to reveal this this week in—I don’t know why—I guess a dramatic attempt to sell a magazine, I guess. I really don’t care. I can’t be any more honest. I don’t care." - CBS Sports' Mike Francesa, who cares.

Francesa expressed something a lot of medium-level homophobes did the day the news broke. Proclaiming their apathy loudly and frequently in an attempt to ultimately wonder why Collins bothered to come out at all. Nobody cares about anyone's sexuality! Why make a big issue of it!

This is of course the classic double-standard. Say you're gay, and you're forcing the issue, making people pay attention to your sexuality when they were going through life, blissfully unconcerned with who you were attracted to. Not assuming you were straight, no. That would never happen. They all maintained a perfect Heisenbergian uncertainty in regards to your life until you ruined it by talking about it.

I mean, we all remember the same kind of outcry every single time Lamar Odom flouts his heterosexuality by going on TV and showing us he's sticking it in a Kardashian vagina. We don't care! Why's he gotta shove his marriage down my throat dozens of times a week on basic cable?

"Jason Collins has an identical twin, Jarron, who was “astounded” to discover that his brother had entered into the homosexual lifestyle. He, despite sharing Jason’s identical DNA, is as straight as a laser beam. Identical twins share straits that are genetically determined: height, skin color, eye color, hair color and so forth. If homosexuality is a genetically-caused sexual preference, Jarron Collins should be as gay as his brother. He’s not." - Bryan "Worst Person On The Planet" Fischer, pretending to understand genetics.

Yeah. That's a wise move. Taking lessons on genetic traits from a creationist without the slightest idea how easy it is to bend a laser. On the same principle, when we needed a new furnace for our house, I turned to a liberal arts major who, coincidentally, was also a meth addict, because who better for HVAC than that?

On the off chance you run into someone as stupid as Bryan Fischer... well, OK, someone in the same ballpark. Nobody's as stupid as Bryan Fischer. If you run into someone who spouts this bullshit at you, and you're too full of rage to come up with a counterargument, remember that nobody chooses the schizophrenic lifestyle either - that they're born with schizophrenic tendencies and one schizophrenic twin does not mean the other will be. For example, there could be a completely sane, non-voice-hearing identical twin of Bryan Fischer running around out there, desperately trying not to be noticed.

*Who's a dude, in America, in a sport Americans care about, of course.