Rooting For Long Pig

« March 2013 »


We all had fun, back in the day, when the late Ted Stevens explained to us all that the Internet was not a truck, it was a series of tubes. For seven years, that was the definitive statement from an Old Out Of Touch White Dude Who Controls Your Life And Doesn't Know Shit About Technology. And then Ted Stevens became the victim of both technology and gravity, leaving a gap in OOOTWDWCYLADKSAT leadership that has gone unfilled.

Until now.

Who could possibly have the wherewithal to fill those empty tubes? There are a few people dumb enough, but it takes more than ignorance. It takes gumption and bluster. It takes blumption. And who has the most blumption in all of Congress? Why, longtime column resident and inexplicable-even-for-Texas congressman Louie Gohmert, of course. ACTUAL! QUOTE! TIME!

"Okay, so what would prevent the federal government from making a deal with Google, so they could also 'Scroogle' people, and say 'I want to know everyone who has ever used the term "Benghazi"' or 'I want everyone who's ever used... a certain term.' Would you discriminate against the government, or would you allow the government to know about all emails that included those words?"

Gohmert was wondering, you see, if Google could let the government do what he thinks Google lets advertisers do - tell the advertisers when you use a key word in an e-mail, so the advertisers can send you ads.

Google doesn't do that of course, It just pushes pre-sorted ads along with the e-mails when it sees keywords - there's no real transactional nature to it. The advertisers don't know whose e-mails have the key words in them. I'd be surprised if Google even knew that in the aggregate in any useful way. But there are two other things I'd like to highlight here, because they are awesome in their stupidity.

First, "Scroogled". Scroogled? I've been following Louie Gohmert for a while. That word is clearly the product of an order, sometime in early March, to an intern to "write me a zinger" for his upcoming hearing. And the intern clearly just came up with the word, and left it to Gohmert to find an appropriate place and context to use it in, and then Gohmert fucked that up because, well, he's stupid.

And second, I'd be infinitely remiss if I didn't highlight the two things Gohmert was worried about the government finding in... let's say his "friend's" e-mail. First, "Benghazi". Clearly, someone's been using the word a lot in e-mails for some reason. Perhaps, oh, I don't know, an unhealthy fascination with a tragedy that has resisted all desperate, pathetic attempts to transform it into a scandal?

Now, the government wouldn't actually be interested in that, or, if they were, they could get it from Google just by searching Google News. No complicated, fake "Scroogling" needed.

And then there's "a certain term". Clearly, Gohmert had a specific term in mind that he didn't want to say publicly. What could it be? The possibilities are nigh endless. My top three choices are, of course, "shemale", "Nigerian prince", and "long pig", for obvious reasons, but I'm sure whatever the actual "certain term" is, it's hilarious.

And the best part is, as a result of his inability to understand how computers work, Louie Gohmert will live in fear until he learns something. In other words, forever.