Mainly In Service Of The Awful Pun

« March 2013 »

Memo to Pope Francis: EH.

It's a thing I tend to address, so I guess I should take some time to address the new Pope, Pope Francis Not The First, because apparently you don't get the I until there's a II, kind of like how Star Wars wasn't Episode IV until later. The similarities between the Vatican and Skywalker Ranch continue to mount.*

I figure there's been enough chatter about this guy by now to get at least three short segments out of it, especially since, with great glee and disregard for strict sectarian definitions, I can call it SPASTIC COPTIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

So, Jorge Mario Bergoglio. By all accounts, he is a fairly decent human being, at least within the subset of Catholic cardinals who might conceivably be elected Pope. It's not a great honor. It's kind of like being reasonably sane amongst speakers at CPAC. But his Nazi associations are, at least so far, minimal, so for Catholicism, that counts as progress.

He's also the first New World Pope**, and the first Latin-American Pope. He is not, however, the first brown or even beige pope, because despite being named "Jorge" and living in Argentina, Francis neé Bergoglio is ethnically Italian and physically Caucasian-European. Another white trash Pope, in other words.

Which is fine. Again, Catholic baby steps. They're expanding into a new hemisphere, you can't expect them to also experiment with unprecedented albedos. But it still bears pointing out.

Bergoglio is, of course, virulently anti-gay, virulently anti-gay marriage, and virulently anti-birth-control. Anyone who was expecting anything else, or even hoping for anything else, or even dreaming of anything else, is, well, a liberal American Catholic. Still, he doesn't seem to like fuss or money, and he takes the bus. Took the bus. He's not gonna take the bus anymore, unless the bus has a bulletproof Plexiglass dome on top of it and doesn't let anybody else ride inside of it.

And he's a casual pope! He speaks off the cuff! His first words were as close as the College of Cardinals gets to "Hey, girl...", and he didn't wear the red velvet cape. It has yet to be seen whether he'll wear the Pope hat with the brim sideways, or cut back on the Vatican dress code on, I guess, Thursdays, since their work week starts on Sunday.

And sure, he supported the Argentinian government when they were a brutal junta disappearing people left and right, but hey, he wasn't infallible YET. Every pope used to make mistakes sometimes.

But let's not forget the biggest upside. The dude's 76 years old. You Are Dumb has already spanned the reigns of three popes. Actuarially speaking, the odds of making it four are pretty damn good. And "spans the reign of four popes" makes me seem like a vital institution. And what's the Catholic Church for if not for making me feel better about myself by comparison?

*They're also both rich, and both dedicated to the promotion and global mindshare of epic works of fiction, after all.

**Although there are no reported incidents of him pulling up the shirt of a vanquished foe and spray-painting "NWP" on their back.