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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Wait, Did You Say "Chattel"?
Memo to Jennifer Roback Morse: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
True story. I was prepping today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, and started in on this Jennifer Roback Morse quote, and tried to figure out what parts of her incredibly long, incredibly insane rant I would cut to get it down to size, and couldn't do it. It's all horrible. Remember when the National Organization for Marriage was trying to pretend to be nice, kind, reasonable people just worried about good honest values? And some people believed it? Those some people were stupid.
"And what we’re doing now, Todd, as a result of the sexual revolution and all its fruits, is that we are in full-on retreat from human relationship between a man and a woman in order to create that child. So going online to buy sperm from a stranger is about as far as you can possibly get from the participation in divine love and divine creation. - NOM spokesperson Jennifer Roback Morse, in an interview on Lutheran Public Radio.
First, I have no doubt her use of "fruits" there is deliberate. Notice also, the definition of "human relationship" as "between a man and a woman", making all other relationships inhuman. And buying sperm from a stranger isn't as far as you can get from divine creation, trust me on this one. I've read the reviews for Aliens: Colonial Marines.
But if God hated artificial insemination so much, why did he make sperm that could survive freezing? Seems like God's Divine Creation should have predicted Craigslist, and if God had a problem with online sperm merchants, second-hand chest freezers, or the unholy union of the two of them, he could have done something about that. Your god is stupid.
"The fact that these two women want to have sex with each other has no bearing whatsoever on whether this should be permitted or not.You know, buying sperm on Craigslist should be abolished. Buying sperm at all should be abolished. And furthermore, these people should be in jail, I’m afraid. I mean, you know, honestly, I just can’t even imagine where people think this is going to lead." - Jennifer Roback Morse, and wait a second, there's a "Lutheran Public Radio"? Is there a Missouri Synod, fire-and-brimstone version of Prairie Home Companion on it?
So, in other words, this woman wants to shut down every sperm bank in America. Because they all buy sperm. And buying sperm is apparently against God's will, and God's will should be American law, so let's lock up all the lesbians who want to be parents, because that's what a sane, just, and kind god would want.
And no, you can't imagine where people think this is going to lead. Because people rightly think this is going to lead to happy gay couples raising well-adjusted children in roughly the same proportion that unprotected hetero sex leads to happy straight couples raising well-adjusted children. But the reason you can't imagine that isn't the fault of gay people or Craigslist or the God-given durability of man-jam. It's because you're a hateful bigot with barely enough brain cells to wiggle your larynx in public.
You know, because the child is no longer a gift from God and a fruit of human love participating in God’s love. The child is now a product, manufactured by adults, and therefore the child cannot be fully the equal of its parent. The object cannot be the equal of its producer or its maker, you know. And so the further we go down this path, the further away we are going from the true ideal of equality before God, of equality before one another, of treating one another with dignity. And the child becomes a kind of chattel. So the legal complications and the sort of ick factor of all of this, it’s important to sort all that out and look at it, but let’s not take our eye off that ball, which is that we have defaced the creator’s plan and intention here by this behavior. - Jennifer Roback Morse, driving clear off Crazy Road into Batshit Canyon, and exploding at the bottom with a whiff of sulfur and fart-gas.
Jennifer Roback Morse thinks that children produced through any means other than heterosexual vaginal intercourse are things, objects, less than human, some kind of slave-beasts with an ambiguous legal status generated entirely out of her vapid theo-logic.
Ick factor, indeed. If I were making a list of people who should be put in jail and treated as less than fully human by our legal system, which I wouldn't, because as mean as I am I'm not actually a FUCKING MONSTER, but if I did, it is demonstrably and objectively true that Jennifer Roback Morse would deserve that fate infinitely more than artificially-inseminated children or their gay parents.
I hope everyone who voted for same-sex marriage bans over the past few years are as uncomfortable with who they've crawled in bed with as they seem to be about who other people crawl in bed with.