Still The Worst

« February 2013 »

Memo to Bryan Fischer, Bryan Fischer, and Bryan Fischer: IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

Bryan Fischer. Grand High Poobah of the American Family Association. And, in the annals of You Are Dumb Dot Net, the worst person on the planet. He's so awful there should have been a #FISCHER2012 hashtag last year. It's been a while since I've reminded you all about how bad he is, so it's time for A COMPLETE WASTE OF METABOLIC INPUTS SAYS SOME TRULY ABHORRENT THINGS!

"What Scott Lively did in 2009 is he went to Uganda... and he told the truth about homosexual conduct. The emotional risk, the mental risk, the psychological risk, and the risk to human health... He did the same kind of stuff over there that we do every day here on Focal Point." - Fischer, defending Scott Lively, who's being sued for crimes against humanity for lobbying for the Ugandan death penalty for homosexuals.

In one sense, Fischer is exactly right. What he does every day on Focal Point is largely indistinguishable from crimes against humanity. The only difference between Lively and Fischer is that the latter is too old and comfortable to actively work for the global murder or conversion of gay people, whereas Lively is willing to travel.

See, when you're the worst person on the planet, the question of "how bad does a person have to be before you'll stop defending him" isn't really applicable. So of course Fischer would defend Lively.

"You really can't have Boy Scouts who are open homosexuals, because they're gonna be mingling, they're gonna be in the same tent, they're gonna be on camping trips, they're gonna be in cabins with boys. You just can't take the risk." - Fischer, weighing in on child molestation in his usual manner, which I imagine must involve furious off-mic masturbation.

This is boilerplate homophobia, of course. Can't have openly gay people around other men because they'll totally want to fuck those men. Can't have gay people around boys because they'll totally want to fuck those boys. Can't have gay people in a bakery because they'll totally want to fuck the cakes.

Now, since none of the gay people any of us know are constantly trying to sleep with everything that moves, doesn't move, consents, and doesn't consent, that leaves two possibilities. One, Bryan Fischer doesn't know any gay people. This is unlikely. But if he does know gay people, then all the "gay" people he knows are actually really indiscriminate and rapey. Which does sound more like the kind of crowd Fischer would hang out with during intensive, weekend-long research sessions into the various harms of homosexual behavior, if you know what I mean.

"So Todd Akin was right! That wasn't stupid. He was right. He was right on the money. He was completely accurate about that. So our ideas are not stupid, and the people who advocate them are not stupid." - Bryan Fischer, advocating on behalf of conservative stupidity.

To reach the conclusion that Todd Akin was right, Bryan Fischer employs two different forms of reasoning. The first is to actively flush down the memory hole the part where Akin attempted to explain female reproductive biology to a bunch of voters with vaginas. And the second is to fervently believe that "sometimes, bitches lie" is a perfectly valid justification for forcing women to raise rape babies.

Bryan Fischer wants the Republicans to listen to him, not the voters. And on that, and virtually nothing else, he and I agree. Keep being even dumber and more hateful than the median American voter! It's not easy, but your ideas will improve American society by being ejected from it.