Big-Ass Hat In The Ring

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Memo to The Vatican: THINK ABOUT IT.

I understand you have a position open. And I know it's traditionally a position held by old white dudes in robes, but I was watching MSNBC yesterday, and heard a Catholic priest say that American Catholicism was in decline. And I can help with that. All you have to do is make me Pope. You want to make a historic choice? Let me lay it out for you.

FIRST OPENLY ATHEIST POPE: I have no illusions about papal atheism. I can't imagine you can spend a week on the job, knowing all the Vatican's secrets, and not completely lose your faith in God. But I can come into the job like that and admit it publicly. And since your spokesman on MSNBC made a snide comment about "popular and faddish atheism" being part of the problem, who better to bring those people into the fold?

FIRST TELECOMMUTING POPE: Yes, Benedict got a Twitter account. Big whoop. I have three. And I'm not moving to fucking Italy for the job. I'm sure the accommodations are nice, but I'm happy hanging out where I am. Even in the midst of the winter. I mean, sure, I'll travel, but I figure we can do most of this shit over FaceTime. Or Skype. I don't know if the Vatican is an Apple shop or a Windows shop. You can FedEx me the hat. Or add it in post.

FIRST TRULY DIGITAL POPE: The Vatican has a vast library, most of which is on paper and, from what I hear, really secret. That's not the hallmark of a modern public organization. So I say, let's put those cardinals to work. Stick 'em at desks with scanners. Scan everything. Put it all up on Wikipedia or something.

Now, these cardinals are mostly old traditionalists, but I've got that covered. We round up all the pedophile priests that have been relocated and stashed away and covered up, and we bring them in, and we make them train the cardinals in on Windows 8. Multiple birds, one stone. Modern, efficient Catholicism at last!

OTHER IMPORTANT QUALIFICATIONS: Let's get back to the days of Popes with facial hair. It's been over three centuries. Time for that face-pendulum to swing back to the hirsute side.

Obviously, the Church's position on contraception will have to stop being so damn shitty. Let's just reinterpret the Scripture to allow for all the condoms, pills, IUDs, abortions, and anal that the vast majority of Catholics are using anyway. Genital amnesty for all!

Gold prices being what they are these days, I will also pledge to initiate the first ever Papal Hoarding Intervention, aka Vatican Yard Sale, with all proceeds going to, oh, let's just say the EFF, the ACLU, and P-FLAG.

Oh, and be advised that, in an attempt to appeal to the modern, pop-culture-obsessed people in their late 30s, I will be treating the papal mitre like Judah Friedlander's baseball cap. That's non-negotiable.

Oh, and you should probably e-mail me to let me know I have the job, since I'm not great at parsing smoke. Link's over on the left-hand side, thanks.